Daisy's World

2003-03-27T12:14:00.000-08:00

I just have a hard time keepin' up, I tell ya

Life is really busy even right I'm not in school. I guess that's a good thing, eh? Actually, I was having a really hard time last week with my brother being in the war. I don't even watch the news because it's too depressing. I am allowing myself to cry and talk about my feelings around my brother being in the war with friends and family members. Actually, I'm establishing a lot closer relationships with my sisters and mom and step-dad than ever b4.

My middle sister, Jeanette, who is 23 years old, had her first baby on Sunday. That day, it really felt like life was happening; people around me are dying, a new nephew is in my life, friends are having a hard time, my brother is in the war, work is really busy, and school starts back up next week.

Even though it's been weeks since I've blogged, I just don't have the time right now to get into anything. So, just checkin' for now. I do hope all is well with all o' ya'll. Later.

2003-03-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

Yay! I'm There...(or is it here?). Anyway, I made it!

My finals are over and I feel like a whole new girl with a fresh pair of pumps! I did the best I could with my finals and I feel a huge relief. I get to sleep in tomorrow. I get to start working out at the gym while I'm off for the next two weeks. I get to...do whatever I want (aside from missing work).

Now I'm off to see Margaret Cho! Woo hoo! More later.

2003-03-12T12:42:00.000-08:00

Almost There...

This quarter is almost over. Day by day, assignment by assignment, I'm getting closer to being done with this week. Actually, Dean persuaded me to stay home on Monday and work on my 10-page report that's due Thursday. At first, I was reluctanct because work has been really crazy, too. But, I did indeed stay home and wrote a first draft. Last night, Dean helped me edit it, and 3 hours later the report was done. Now, I go home tonight, after a day's rest from it, and proofread once more.

The assignment was to choose an ethnic group other than my own and write about one or more of its leaders. I had to analyze the arguments, what the leaders requested from the majority group, and discuss the beliefs, hopes, fears, etc...of the spokesperson. It was a paper analyzing the rhetoric in the speech. I chose Dr. King and Malcolm X and compared and contrasted their ideas, messages, etc... In my humble opinion, I think it turned out rather well.

I finally sent off a letter to my brother, who is a Marine and currently in Kuwait. I worry about him often and hope he gets my letter.

Well, I don't have time to really dive into anything, at the same time my mind feels pretty blank. I just can't wait for this week 2 b over! Later!

2003-03-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

Childhood Memories Aren't Always Pleasant Ones

While shaving this morning, I was a childhood memory started taking over my mind. I was in the 5th or 6th grade and in once of my classrooms, I sat in the back corner of the class. Well, I had diarrhead my pants and was quite embarassed, to say the least. The students around me started smelling it and the teacher thought the smell was coming from a dead rat in the wall. Smo, she suggested all the students move to an empty seat that was away from the wall. Well, I didn't want to move because the smell would come with me and then everyone would find out it was me. So, I stayed there. Everyone thought I was weird staying there but I claimed that I couldn't smell anything.

I remember having music class, and others commented on the smell. Even on the bus ride home, people were saying, "Oooo that smell!" One student even told me, "It's probably so-and-so," but I didn't say anything.

I got home and my parents had company over. Embarassingly, I told my mom what had happened and she told me to go get in the shower. She was quite and nice about it.

Well, I wouldn't say that I'm having a shitty day, but I have felt weird all day. For instance, I thought I heard someone laughing when in fact they weren't. They were in the same room as me, too! You might think I was on drugs or something but I've been sober for 8 years. (See what that'll getcha...just kidding!).

I think I'm just really tired, too. I have so much homework to do and it's the last week and a half of the quarter (upon which time I'll have two weeks on break before the next quarter begins). Well, last night I just couldn't do any homework. I was really sleepy and was out by 9:30 and didn't wake up till 7 this morning. Boy did I sleep good! Thank you, God!

After all this work, and after my finals on the 15th, I'm gonna go see Margaret Cho. I'm really looking forward to it.

One Last Thing...I've also been going through some feelings around a sponsee of mine passing away. Not too many people know I was his sponsor so I've been receiving limited emotional support around this. I figure there will be a place and time when my Higher Power will direct those to guide me in my healing process around this. I did make some phone calls to tell people of his death, and many already knew (he was also Dean's ex-boyfriend and friend). His memorial services are this Saturday but I have an oral presentation to give at school on Bobby Darin and then I have lecture in the afternoon that'll cover material that's gonna be on my Contemporary Native Americans final, so I don't want to miss that.

Other than that, things are going well. I hope all is well with all o' ya'll. Later!

2003-03-03T20:04:00.000-08:00

Smile!

I really do love this link. Do you like it, 2?

2003-02-25T13:11:00.000-08:00

And I see Marlene, and Candy, and Romy. And Look...There's Grace, and Princess Johnson. And How are You Today, Vince?

Life continues to be busy. I'm realizing I should probably just resign to the fact that things are going to be busy for me for the next few years while I'm working and going to school full time, while trying to have a social life at the same time.
Friday, I went dancing after studying for a couple of hours and the regular d.j. wasn't there. The other d.j. kind-of sucked, actually, but I did get to do some dancing and sweat off a couple of pounds.

Saturday, after being at school all day, I had a great time at Drag Bingo (it was a fundraiser event). It was stressful getting there because I was late (and I hate being late) and then trying to find parking in San Francisco was a you-know-what. Nonetheless, once I got there, I had a great time. I got to see friends whom I hadn't seen in a while. Vince was there and it was great 2 c him. He's lookin' good.

On Sunday, I got to sleep in until 10 a.m. I got 10 hours of sleep. It's like a milestone! I haven't been able to sleep in for the past month at least. It felt really good. Then, I dragged out some make-up and hip clothes for a drag fundraising event (this one that Marlene was at). I had a wonderful time getting ready with Marlene at her office. At the even, it was great to see a few drag sisters whom I hadn't seen in a while. Although Grace and Romy weren't all prettied up as girls, they showed all their masculine beauty by butching it up and playing cute-boy for the night. It was great to play catch-up with PJ and Romy, in particular. It was a late night and I had to get up early the next morning.

Dragging my feet through the day (I was dozing off in our department meeting), I looked forward to getting to sleep around 9:30 but then I didn't feel all that tired. I finally got to sleep around 10:30 and still feel rather sluggish today. I actually feel anxious and sleepy at the same time...Anxious because I have so much school work to catch up on...and Sleepy just thinking about it all.

Anyway, I better get back to work. More later. Until next time, be good to yourself and to each other.

2003-02-19T12:41:00.000-08:00

OH MY G-....

Did you guys see this picture of Marlene? FABULOUS. BEAUTY, TO BE WORSHIPPED EVEN. SHE OUTTA BE SLAPPED (That IS something that she would say, so it's OK if I say it, too).

2003-02-19T12:10:00.000-08:00

Blah, Blah, Blah

It's been a while since I've blogged; too long, as a matter of fact. I just mind myself doing school work, I went away to South Lake Tahoe this past weekend, and the days seem to roll on by. ( By going to Tahoe, I missed out on the opportunity to be a glamourous star for a night...it is a BIG price to pay for having such a conflicting schedule. I wish I could have been there).Before I know it, I haven't blogged in over a week.

The trip to Tahoe was wonderful. I stayed at a friend's parent's cabin with Dean and four other friends. We ate a lot, relaxed by the fire, walked around in the snow and by the streams. Saturday night, it snowed. I did a Stevie Nicks dance and spun around in circles with my head up towards the sky, arms wide out. Except I wasn't wearing heels...I was in my bear feet.

By morning, a foot of snow had fallen. MY CAR IS NO LONGER A VIRGIN. Sure, it had experienced foreplay in the snow when David and I drove to Reno for my sister's wedding, but it had never been covered in a foot of snow. That morning, I watched as the snow fell off the trees and the snow would stir around, then driftly float, in the air.

While I enjoy being in the snow, I couldn't live in it. The idea of driving in it scares me. On the way home, the roads had been cleared and I didn't have to put snow chains on my tires (unlike the skiers who were headed up to the resort that morning around 10--I'd seen them all parked alongside the highway when I was going to the grocery store that morning. I didn't drive). Despite this fact, the idea of driving with snow around me made me tense. The roads were dry and clear, but I was still tense. It was a beautiful scene with the snow covered mountains and hillsides, but I was still tense. Just like some people may get tense on riding roller coasters or flying in an airplane, I don't like driving in snow.

Well, just wanted to check in and say...Yes, I'm still alive. I do hope all is well with all o' ya'll. Later.

2003-02-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

In Da Moment

Right Now, living in the moment, I feel frustrated. I'm having a challenging day at work and processes are driving me cra-zee! But Hey! It's Friday and that's a very good thing. Although, my only plans tonight are to study for my mid-term next that's tomorrow. I skipped out on class last week to go to Palm Desert (which was FAB-U-LOUS, I tell ya. I was treated like a King). I knew the teacher would review material that would be on the mid-term, AND he would give the class the topics that would be on the exam, and missing class had me a little anxed, but not while I was in the desert. Still, a classmate took notes for me and she even typed them up and e-mailed them to me. Well, I was going to take her to McDonald's for lunch, but since she typed up 7 pages of notes for me, I think I'll take her to Wendy's instead.

You know, there are so many things that I wish I had time to blog about. I could write down the thoughts as they come to mind, but I'd much rather imagine a keyboard that, upon my telepathic commands, would start typing the words I want it to type and then publish the material to my blogsite. Instead, I have to find time to sit down and write. Between studying for this mid-term tomorrow, then having to start on a 10 page report that's due next Thursday (for which I do not feel prepared), to attending classes, I don't have that much time to write. I hardly have time to see friends.

When I was still using, I didn't have any real friends and I'd sometimes find myself at home on a Friday night with nothing to do. I swore I was the only 18 year old at home, with his parents, with nothing to do, on a Friday night. Now, I have many friends with whom I could choose to hang out n' stuff, but I have to do my homework instead (that is, IF I want to do well on my exams...which I do.) I guess I'm just having feelings, AGAIN, about not getting to be as social as I would like, due to the responsibilities I must face. Oh, well. That's the life of a student, I guess. Like, all week, too, I've been feeling like I want to go dancing, but I can't because I have to study for this mid-term tomorrow. Well, I'm sure you get the point by now. I'll let this rest.

Lately, I've been trying to live in the moment more often than not. You know hot it's easy for the mind to wander in yesterday, or tomorrow. I don't know if you've heard this phrase before, but "If you have one leg in yesterday, and one leg in tomorrow, you're pissing all over today." Well, when my mind starts to wander off, I try to remind myself that I'm only living in today. That's all I have, is today. This helps me to appreciate where I am at in my life and helps ease facing today's challenges. It seems to help increase my sense of serenity, so I think I'll keep doin' it.

Well, wish me luck on my mid-term tomorrow. Until next time, be good to yourself and to each other.

2003-01-30T13:01:00.000-08:00

Look Out Desert, Here I Cum!

I'm going to Palm Desert this weekend. I'll jet out of here tomorrow morning for a weekend of fine dining, sleeping in a luxury hotel room, hot air ballooning, swimming, watching the sunset, and whatever else tickles my fancy. Dean, who has been there this week for some business training, says it's beautiful there and I'm totally excited about going. He works for Office Depot as a sales person. All the sales people who met their quotas n' stuff are selected members of their Achiever's Club and they get to invite a guest to stay with them in Palm Desert. Pretty cool, eh?

I'm scheduled to have school this Saturday but I thought that this is an opportunity that I didn't want to pass by me so I asked a classmate to take notes for me. The thing I'm stressin' about, tho', is that this Saturday, my Contemporary Native American Studies teacher will be reviewing what's on the mid-term next week and I won't be there for that. So, I hope that Mrs. Classmate (whose name I forget at the moment) will take good notes and let me know what'll be on the exam so I can study.

Actaully, I feel like I haven't been at all dedicated to school this quarter like I was last quarter. I want all A's so I'll be sure to buckle down before finals and other dates where my research papers are due so that I can do well.

Anyway, I'll be sure to tell ya'll how the desert was. I'm still in process of getting myself settled into posting pix again. For instance, I never got to post pix from the Calistoga trip. (hmmm, I wanted to link to my blog about this trip but something happened in my archives for the last week in 2002. Oh well!)

Anyway, I hope all o' ya'll are doin' well. Take Care.

2003-01-24T12:56:00.000-08:00

One of the Most Rich Experiences of My Life

Last night, I left school at break time to be a guest speaker for my friend, Suzy, who's currently teaching a Health Ed course at Saint Mary's College. She was teaching the class about drugs: narcotics, hallucinogens, depressants (and the like) and their effect on your mind and body. She asked me to share my story of addiction around alcohol and drugs.

Mind you, I have told my story several times at AA meetings in front of other recovering alcoholics and addicts. This time, however, was in front a bunch of people who were as familiar to me as breasts on my chest. (Huh? Oh well). It was a nice mixed crowd of people; both younger and older than I, and a nice mix of men and women. Come to find out, some of the students have friends and relatives in their lives who are either struggling in their addiction or who are in recovery or who were in recovery and have a hard time sticking with the program.

My sharing of my experience of what I was like when I used and drank (you know...drinking and smoking pot at the age of eight, and the progress of my addiction from smoking cigarrettes to drinking, from smoking marijuana to hittin' the the crank pipe with my parents) and how my life is different today, and sharing with the class what goes on in an AA meeting was one of the richest experiences in my 29 years of living.

After I had talked about my addiction and the depths of insanity it had taken me to, I started to talk about how grateful I am for my recovery. I started crying. This was totally unexpected to me and, after allowing my eyes to dry from the tears, I looked up at the class and I could see tears welling up in other peoples eyes, too. Even the men! You see, I am grateful that I am clean and sober today becuase I have close friends in my life TODAY who are struggling with the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction. They have gotten clean and sober in the past but relapse. Let me tell you...it is like that loved one has died. They are not the same person you know and have come to love so dearly. It's an absolute powerless feeling that the only thing you can do for the person is to let them know you are there for them if they need to talk or go to a meeting. I've gone through this experience with a certain friend, who shall rename nameless, a couple of times in my eight years of recovery.

Life is so fragile. Humans are so vulnerable. Through my recovery, I've come to this realization when dealing with my experiences of watching people I love destroy their lives with drugs and alcohol. Believe you me! When I was drinking and using, noone could tell me I had a problem. I had to be ready to quit before I started to seek help. And I am grateful that I sought help.

The audience was quite attentive the whole time (mind you, this was from 9-10 at night, and mostly everyone, including myself, had worked that day). There was time left at the end of my share for questions. People asked me personal questions, they discussed the struggles they're going through with loved ones in their lives surrounding these addictions, and they mentioned people they know (relatives, friends) who are in recovery and how they see a difference in the lives of that person--they are more positive and strive to maintain a sense of gratitude. Several people came up to me afterwards and thanked me, from the bottom of their heart, for being courageous and honest in talking to them tonight. You see, I'm used to making a fool of myself by talking about the embarassing things that I did during my active addiction. So, it wasn't really difficult to share my experience, strength, and hope with them.

I prayed to my Higher Power the other day about being grateful for the people whose lives I touched in the past, touch in present, and will touch in the future, and am grateful for the people in my life today. I think this experience was one small piece of that. If I could carry the message of hope, having risen from the depths of despair to having faith and purpose in life, then I have fulfilled my Higher Power's will for me...today.

I don't know if you feel the level of my most sincere, humble expression when I say that this experience was so rewarding to me. It's like, all the pain that I've gone through in my life, especially changes in my life over the past few months, are so freakin' worth having the experience I had last night. You see, last night's experience helped me to see that my story, my life, has meaning. It truly helped me to put into perspective how grateful I am for my life today. Trust me, it hasn't always been like this.

2003-01-23T12:59:00.000-08:00

Straight from Heaven and Into Your Life

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-01-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

Dare I?

Yes, I do dare. I dare to love, and to be loved. I dare to dream. I dare to succeed even with the possibility of failure on the horizon. I dare to look at my insides, find out what negative energy I carry around. I dare to focus on addressing that energy and letting it go. I dare to put aside my pride and talk about what is really going on. I dare to show up for my life on a day-to-day basis, despite what fears I might have. I dare to continue to be a better person. It is in this honesty, my friends is how I perceive the courage my higher power has give me to face and enjoy life.

2003-01-23T07:59:00.000-08:00

Conspiracy

I SWEAR (O...K...that's an exaggeration)...In my crazy thinking mind, I BET there's a conspiracy of slow drivers who plot every twenty feet to have a slow moving car on the freeway, someone WHO DOESN'T EVEN DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT. I bet.

2003-01-17T13:07:00.000-08:00

Sunny in Hercules, California

Everybody Sing:

I think I'll go for a walk outside now
the summer sun's callin' my name
(I hear ya now)
I just can't stay inside all day
I gotta get out get me some of those rays

Everybody's smilin
Sunshine day
Everybody's laughin
Sunshine day
Everybody seems so happy today
It's a sunshine day.

2003-01-16T12:20:00.000-08:00

Things About Me That Make Me Go...Hmmmm

In striving to gain a more realistic understanding of myself, I explore the following concepts and ideas: (There aren't even close to 100, like Vince did.)

~I am an easy going person. I don't have to have things a certain way. I do things my way and it's good enough. I find that when other people are more picky, (rather, when to other people it is important to have things a particular way) I wonder if my lack of being choosy, or picky, is something that makes me less of a person. In this regard, I strive to feel more comfortable with my choices and being myself.

~I am a great listener. It's the one God-given sense I use best. People who know me will agree with me on this one.

~I hate gossip. I feel uncomfortable when people gossip to me and I feel uncomfortable when I gossip to others. I try and stick to what's real and just have fun.

~Sometimes, I don't feel like I'm enough. I think other people are better than me because __________________________ (fill in the blank). When I feel this way, I get encouragement from my friends that I have a lot going for me and I don't know the value of my self-worth.

~It's OK to tell myself that I'm cute but I don't like to show it off.

~I'm a pretty humble person, if I do say so myself.

~I do not feel, nor do I announce that I am proud of much in my life. Yes, I'm grateful for the things in my life, that I am clean and sober, that I don't smoke cigarettes, etc..., but I do not feel proud of my job accomplishments and success in school. I think of these things as gifts from my Higher Power. BUT, I heard a dear friend of mine say (just the other night) that it's important to be proud, just not to be proudful.

~I have a hard time distinguishing between this.

~I wonder if I should work on developing a sense of pride in myself. If it already exists in me, I don't feel like it's alive and kicking.

~I perceive myself as being an emotional person. I don't know if others do, too, or not.

~I have a hard time dealing with feelings around which I feel confused.

~I am enjoying writing out these...things...about me.

~I'm going to start telling myself that I love myself. Every morning I will look in the mirror and tell myself, "Self, I Love You." I will then wonder who in the hell is that person in the mirror and why is he staring at me doing this ridiculous activity.

~I will feel better after about myself after having done this ridiculous activity.

~I enjoy laughter. I especially enjoy laughter as a means of letting go of stress when dealing with challenging situations.

~I strive to take lessons learned as just that and to be light-hearted and playful.

~I like to cry when I watch movies. I enjoy the release of tension and it helps me to feel more in-tune with myself. I actually feel serene (or is it depression? LOL)

~I don't like to play mind games with my friends or family members. If I find myself doing this, I try, with the guidance of my Higher Power, to let go of the competitive and/ or comparison thinking (comparing other peoples outsides to my insides) that goes on in my head and just appreciate the people my Higher Power has put in my life.

~I work hard at not carrying negative energy in my life. If I recognize it when it comes up, I pray and really try to let go of all the hatred and anger and resentment. Like Missy says in the introduction of her new album, Under Construction..."all the hatred and anymosity between folks...you gotta kill it with a skillet!" Hell ya! I love that shit!

~It is my honorable duty to continue to strive to feel comfortable with myself and with others around me.

~It is my responsibility to let go of jealousy, resentment, anger, fear. Instead, I will work to maintain love, faith and hope as prime principles in my life. I am grateful that this is a continuous process and not something that just happens over night.

~I'm grateful that I can share similary experiences with other people who are dear in my life. This increases intimacy in my relationships.

~I started to title this blog in all lower-case letters but switched to capital letters, as needed.

This acitivity went better than I thought it would. I hope you are enjoyed it, too. Thank you for traveling along with me through Daisy's World. What a ride! I just may do more lists like this in the future, so stay tuned, ya'll. Until next time, be good to yourself and to others.

2003-01-13T20:52:00.000-08:00

Satiric Definitions

I was reading in my course reader for my Public Ethnic Address class and in it is included a chapter titled "Three Basic Tools for Making an Argument Persuasive." To support the influence of ethos as one of these tools, a few satiric definitions are taken from Ambrose Bierce's "The Devil's Dictionary." I couldn't help but laugh out loud when reading some of these and wanted to share some of them with you. Ready? Here we go:

admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

applause, n. The echo of platitude.

bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.

historian, n. A broad-gauge gossip.

hope, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.

love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eathing simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

presidency, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Now that you're laughing (hopefully), follow this link that my friend Reggie sent to me. (You'll need sound but even the visual alone is worth it!)

2003-01-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

Still Kickin'

Just wanted to check in. I'm ill. The doc says I have strep throat, although I had to ask him what the diagnosis was. I think I might change doctors. I've wanted to do it before because I always have to wait at least 1/2 hr before he sees me, even when I have an appointment. One time, I had to wait an hour before he finally saw me.

When I visited him yesterday, I was not feeling well and still had to go buy school books before the bookstore closed. There was no traffic, thank goodness. So, the doc looked down my throat and started writing me a prescription for some antibiotics. I had to ask him if I had strep before he replied, "Yes."

I stayed home from work today and I have school 2nite! I'll probably just go, check in (it's possible that I'll be dropped if I don't show up on the first night--so the school says), and leave at break. Then, I have my 2 classes on Saturday, which will practically take up my whole Saturday.

But, before that, I get to see my friends Amy and Suzy tomorrow night and finally give them their X-Mas presents.

Welp, I'm gonna get some rest and I hope ya'll are well. Take Care.

2003-01-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

8 Years

I meant to blog yesterday...I celebrated 8 years of sobriety on 1/2/03. It was New Year's Eve 8 years ago when I'd been clean and sober for about a month and a half. I worked at Benihana in Concord and our boss told us that at midnight, we could serve the customers some champagne and we could have a glass for ourselves. Well, I thought then and there that I should excuse myself from the situation and call my sponsor. Instead, having felt sorry for myself to have to actually work at the midnight hour on New Year's Eve while this guy that I had a crush on was out in the city having fun wandering in The Castro, I decided to drink. I guess I was guzzling down the champagne glasses because one of the waitresses told me...Dalton, he (our boss) said we could only have one glass of champagne. I didn't think any snide remarks, that I recall. I just ignored her.

That drink lead to several more beers and other alcoholic drinks that night (my favorite mixed drink was a screwdriver--w/ just a splash of o.j. for color).

It was actually my addiction to crank that really brought me down hard to the depths of insanity. That is what made me decide to get clean and sober.

It's 8 Years Later and I am a totally different person that I was back then. Actually, I'm a strong believer in change and that we are always changing and growing, whether we like it or not. I find that the aspect of change wherein your personality, or morals, or beliefs, or development of responses to situations in a more mature manner (that one's a tuffy) is the most challenging aspect of my life. It's this change that makes me a different person over time.

Well, off to eat breakfast. But b4 I go, I must say one more thing (gotta get it off my chest). Having had this past week off has shown me that my life is full, and busy, and that sometimes I just want to lay down the whole day long. I certainly could choose to do that, but at the same time I like to be go to parties, and my meetings, and with working full time and going to school full time, I just want to be able to do nuthing! Can't I have that? It's a little depressing 2 me because I just want to be able to chill and at the same time there's all the stuff around me that requires my attention and it bugs me to just do nothing when I know that there's all this stuff 2 do. It's getting more clear to me as I write this that there's always going 2 b something to do and I'll be chasing my tail around in circles if I think I can catch up with everything b4 I can, in essence, do nothing.

So, that's 4 being a soundboard for me. I'm being told that my eggs r getting cold...so, more later.

2003-01-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, Ya'll

I went to the Living Sober New Year's Eve Dance last night and had a wonderful time. I was driving home last night and realized...I felt very present and just enjoyed the event.It's not that often, especially with school and work occupying much of my time, that I get to actually feel present and enjoy what's going on around me.

The trip to Calistoga really helped me relax. I didn't want to come back at all. I felt like a baby who had gone a long time without milk and after getting some milk, wanted more and more and more. (I guess that's a little like canibalism, too, huh? Where once u start eating people you just crave more and more). ANYWAY!

I saw many friends and met new ones at last night's celebration. I saw Vince (whom I almost didn't recognize), watched the stylish dancing of Philo, and was grateful to see my best friend Robert, there, too. It was a special treat to meet Jhames. What a young cutie. The folk of Denver let him out of his cage for a couple of nights in order to grace the peoples of San Francisco with his presence.

I got home around 2:30, was able to fall asleep rather quickly, but then was awakened in the middle of the night and it took me a good hour to get back to sleep. Then, I wake up around 9:30 not being able to get back to sleep. So, I make coffee and wait for 10 a.m. to roll around so I can see Price Is Right. Much to my disappointment, there's some New Year's Parade being aired on t.v. so I just chat it up with Dean's mom, Heidi. She's a really sweet German lady who loves to talk. It's actually pretty cool for me because I get to know her a little better. She has some memories around the WWII era and it's interesting to hear how those experiences were for her. Not that any could be pleasant, I'm sure, but just to talk to someone who was there during that time is educational for me. It reminded me that when I was younger, historical events didn't seem relevant to me. What I realize now is that we are living history.

Speaking of history, I can't wait till this next two years of school is over. The next quarter starts next week and for the whole year, I'll be going to school with about 2-3 weeks of break in between. Completing another year of school has been my only new year's resolution for the past 4 or 5 years, and it will remain so for the next 3-4 to come.

I do hope you had a fun and safe New Year's Celebration! Leave me a comment about how you spent your New Year's, won't ya?

Until next time...be good to yourself and to each other.

2002-12-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

Finally!

Ever since this summer, I've been wanting to get away from my routine life and take a break from it ALL! Well, Joey was here over the summer, then I moved, then school started. That was a really busy time for me and I told myself that before the next quarter starts, I will take some time off from work and go somewhere nice and relaxing. Well, it's not that I can afford the trip because I'll be charging everything (CA-CHING), but I lucked out on getting a room with a king size bed and jucuzzi tub at Golden Haven Hot Springs Spa and Resort in little ol' peaceful Calistoga.

I really do count my blessings. This was a very spontaneous, last minute decision (as was going to see the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus on Christmas Eve for their Home for the Christmas show and even though the 9 p.m. showing that several of my friends were going to was sold out, there happened to be at least two tix available...this was my first time to see the SF Gay Men's chorus and it was quite enjoyable) and, with it being the holiday season, many places are booked weeks in advance. Well, after searching the internet last night for a couple of hours, and waking up first thing this morning to call for room availability, it JUST SO HAPPENED that someone called this morning and cancelled their room reservation.

So, I got the room w/ a king size bed and jacuzzi tub, and then I, along with Dean, will be enjoying Mud Baths, Body Wrap, and massage.

You don't know how much I need this mini-get-away time. I'm aiming for total rejuvination...OVERNIGHT! :-)

I hope this holiday season is going well for all o' ya'll. May you reach out to those who are important to you and tell them how much they mean to you. Happy New Year!

2002-12-21T17:47:00.000-08:00

Let It Go, Let It Go, Let It Go

I've been feeling like a whole new person that past couple of days; completely opposite of how I described feeling in my blog below. The main thing that helped me was to realize that I was carrying around a certain anger that I needed to discuss with someone. After that, I felt like I stood up for myself and now the little boy inside me feels protected.

Anger is an interesting thing. Sometimes, as I just recently re-discovered, I can carry around anger about something and not even know that the anger was there. Still, it's in identifying what anger I'm carrying around today (which, in result, keeps me from being happy and present in my life today) and allowing myself to become willing to confront the anger, discuss it with any particular party(ies) involved, and then allowing the anger to disipate. As I've experienced lately, sometimes the feelings surroundin anger (jealousy, self-pity, and the like) don't go away right away but I never loose faith that they will indeed leave me...at least for a little while.

What I mainly realized was that I was perceiving myself as a bad person for having such feelings and I was beating myself up inside. I was walking around at work the other day and the thought came to me...Beating myself up for having these feelings is not a very loving thing to do to myself. That thought really hit home from me. About 8 years ago, I told myself that if I realize that there's something I'm doing that's not being loving to myself, I will focus on stopping that behavior. This act really helps me to feel comfortable in my skin and to maintain a sense of serenity.

Thx to all o' ya'll who keep cumin' back and readin' this hear blog, experiencing Daisy's World.

May this holiday season bring you joy, laughter, and time with loved ones. Until next time, be good to yourself and to each other.

2002-12-18T07:35:00.000-08:00

Must be the weather

I've been feeling depressed lately. I've been feeling so many feelings and I just don't feel like my usual self. It's mainly feelings of self-pity, jealousy, and feelings of being "less-than" that just really eat me up. I write about my feelings, I talk about them, I pray to my Higher Power to take them away like all the time, and still the shit continues to stay. I write about what I'm grateful for in my life, I reach out to friends and others to be of service, and still I do not feel emotionally well. It's challenging to talk about these feelings without feeling some sort of self-pity, so then I get depressed about that, too, because then I feel that it's not OK to have these feelings, and it really is OK to have them. I just wish the fuck they'd go away!

UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Thank goodness for friends who listen to me and who are patient and understanding. I've just never felt this way before the past few months (or at least don't remember).

Someone told me that I'm just human and that these are very human feelings. Still, I don't like these feelings ( I guess I don't have to). I just wish my Higher Power would fix what's going on inside me so I can feel like my usual self without having all these feelings come up all the damn time.

Well, I guess I gotta go to work. I think that's one of my problems...not enough fun in my life! With school and work, that pretty much takes time out for fun. But with school being over for the quarter, I've been spending more time with friends (thanks Robert, for being there) and that feels good. I will live this day to the best of my ability and come home later and do laundry, watch t.v. and hopefully go to bed early. I woke up at 4 a.m. with these god-awful feelings, cried, and didn't get to sleep until an hour later.

Anyway, I hope all is well with all o' ya'll. Later.

2002-12-16T21:05:00.000-08:00

7 Days

Happy Holiday Season everyone. I've not been much in a blogging mood. Not that I don't have things to blog about, but because I just don't feel like it. I don't want to do much since school's been out for a week. I just want to vegetate, relax, and do nutin'. But, being the holiday season, there are parties to attend, shopping to do, and a list of other things.

One thing, though, that I must tell you about is Tokyo Pig. In case you didn't know, I love cartoons. I came across this wild, loony, creative, unique cartoon on Saturday morning and couldn't stop watching it. I had to watch it on Sunday morning, too. Check to see if it's playing in your area. It's definitely worth watching.

On a more self-centered note, I was wondering the other day how long I could go without somebody (besides Dean) e-mailing or calling me. It seems like I'm always the one initiating an e-mail and/ or phone call to my friends. I think this is definitely a self-seeking thought, and I try not to allow negative thinking to reflect much in my behavior (boy, has that been a challenge lately...Ho, ho, ho!). It's not that I don't question the quality of my friendships, it's just that it would be nice to have people e-mail or call me without me having to initiate the communication lines. Then again, I think that maybe that's how my Higher Power wants me to be...that maybe I need to be the person to initiate those lines of communication.

On a more positive note, I do know for sure that I received an A for each my California History and English Grammar courses. I'm pretty sure I receive an A in Art, too, but I have to wait to actually see it in writing. I swear, the teachers of the first two classes I mentioned graded my final quickly. My Art teacher is lagging. Maybe she got ran over by a reindeer?

Anywho, I hope this holiday season is bringing you cheer, e-mails, and phone calls. Until next time, stay good to yourself and to each other.

2002-12-11T20:44:00.000-08:00

Beginning Lessons to Become a DJ

This is really fun. Dean received this from a friend and forwarded it to me. Spend all the time you want with this fun...thing.

2002-12-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

I'm Continuing to Go Long Periods Without Blogging

I've been neglecting my blogsite for about two weeks now. Some people I know use their blogsite as a journal. I actually keep a personal journal in addition to blogging. It's so hard to keep up with this with my finals approaching (eeek...tomorrow!) and work has been picking up again. I'm starting to travel to Sacramento a couple of days out of the week. We are starting to implement a work order system (which requires the use of labor time sheets to be filled out by the operators) and there's a lot of training for how to fill out all this new paperwork and impliment a system that works for that facility for the paperwork flow. It's actually a great opportunity to be involved in this because we're implementing our system from the very beginning at a new site. Still, as a result of my travels up north, my work desk in Hercules piles up. I'm not the only one, though. There's a team of us that goes to our W. Sacramento facility, so that makes a dozen chickens running around the office like their heads cut off. Imagine that!

Last Sunday, I went and saw The Men From The Boys at The New Conservatory Theatre last Sunday with a group of about 20 friends/acquaintances . First, we lunched at Max's Operah Diner. I love this place. Great food, great service, great atmosphere. I felt a little out of place, though, during the whole course of the afternoon. There are a couple of friends that were there that I consider a close friend and was able to truly appreciate being around them. But most of the people that were there were mere acquaintances with whom I hardly hang out. So, it was a good experience, but an awkward-feeling one, too. The play was quite enjoyable. The background was of New York City and throughout the play it would rain off and on. Well, in the background, you could see shadows as if there were clouds moving in the sky and they were casting shadows beneath them. Of course, the rain would come at some detrimental, emotional part of the play and then clear up during the light-hearted and less serious parts of the play. The acting was really good and the set was quaint yet elegant. The story line was packed with alcohol recovery issues. What I thought was really funny was that the drunk kept saying "Keep It Simple" as he poured himself yet another drink.

After the day was over, I realized that by most of my time being swallowed by work and school, my social life has been quite null. I haven't performed in a Galaxy Show in a long time (which I miss dearly). I stay in touch with a few friends over the phone. I would think that by after not seeing my friends after a while that I would be enthusiastic to reunite with them. While this excitement is there, I've also felt a sense of disconnection with my circle of friends. Maybe it's just that time of the month again and my feelings are all hay-wired. But, it is true that with school and work, (both full time, I might add), there's hardly room for any social life. Don't get me wrong, I do go out every now and then but at the same time I'm feeling the stress of these activities at this point in my life. Friends tell me that it's a great thing that I'm doing and that the end result will be worth it. I think I'll trust them. I have two finals tomorrow and then one on Tuesday. After that, I have about 3 weeks off before the next quarter starts. I hope to be able to get away for a weekend, reconnect with friends and family members. Acutally, I've been connecting more with my family members than ever. I'm reaching out and calling my mom and sisters at least twice a week. It's a comforting experience to finally feel part of my family. I've been ostracized from my family for being gay over the past few years but now we're finally breaking the ice. It feels really good.

Until next time, ya'll. I hope this holiday season is going well for you. My friends tell me of people in their lives who are sick, or who have died, and it reminds me that I have it pretty good. I met with a friend last night for dinner and she really brought home for me the idea of appreciating our loved ones in our life because we never know what's gonna happen. So, be good to yourself and to each other.

2002-11-25T12:57:00.000-08:00

I'm Continuing to be Amazed

After all the frustrating feelings I had around my mid-terms, I found out that I received an A on both of them. Woo hoo! I am sooo glad. From the looks of it, I should be able to ace my finals for my Art and History classes, too. After having missed a week of school from my stomach giving me problems, I'm a little behind in English class. But, the quarter will be winding down here in a few weeks, at which time I'll have 3 weeks off before the next quarter begins.

My friend, Dakota, (who takes pictures at the Galaxy Shows to be posted on the Galaxy Girls website), just got back from going to see the gay games in Australia. She brought back some Australian money and showed me how the 20's, 10's, and 5's are different sizes. Each bill has a couple of different faces on them, so not all of one bill are the same. (I was explaining all this to friends at my b-day dinner last Friday at Outback Steakhouse and Robert told me that most countries have different sized bills. Interesting, I thought.) Also, their bills are made of plastic. On their coins, the birds that represent them are the Kangaroo and the Emu. Dakota told me that Australians chose these animals because they don't move backwards. This symbolizes the pride that the people take pride in their pursuit of forward momentum, versus backward steps in their progress. This pride is important to the people because their land originally was a station point for many convicts (check out this history page which gives more details to what I'm trying to say). OK--enough of that.

I mentioned the Galaxy Girls earlier. I miss performing at the shows. I expected that I might not be able to perform as much because of school. Sho' nuf! Usually, the X-Mas Show is pretty packed but there will be no school for me then so hopefully I'll get to sing a carol or too at the next Rula Planet Galaxy Show. I do miss those girls. (squish, squish, darling...squish, squish).

Welp, that's it for now. I hope all is well with all o' ya'll.

2002-11-22T07:42:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday To Me

One of the best gifts I've received for my b-day is the day off! Woo hoo! I have a term paper that's due tomorrow so I especially need to concentrate on getting that done. After that, we'll see how the day unfolds.

This 29th birthday doesn't feel all that exciting to me. I don't know why. Usually, I'm jumping with joy about it being my birthday. I guess since my stomach has been giving me pain (though it is beginning to feel better) and since I've been so busy with school and work that my head is preoccupied with all these things that I haven't really had time to think about it being my birthday.

Last week I wanted to send out an e-mail to friends for some dinner gathering, perhaps a game night. But, I just haven't had it together enough to try and plan anything. So, like I said already, we'll just see how the day unfolds. More later.

2002-11-16T21:53:00.000-08:00

Pobresito

Since Friday morning, my stomach has bothering me. Above my navel area, I felt a tightness in my stomach. I wanted to go to the emergency room after work but some friends didn't think the matter was that urgent.

Well, come 3 a.m. in the morning, guss where I was? That's right...not laying cozy in a comfortable bed sound asleep like practically the rest of the world but in the Emergency Room.

Dean was there with me for the full 5 hours. They ended up taking X-Rays, then they went through this god-awful-painful procedure where they stuck a tube up each of my nostrils so they could remove the excess gas that was found in my X-Rays. After that, they put me through a CAT scan. I didn't see any cats so when they were done I went back to my little room. (I can hear the Boo's already...)

At the age of 18, I was diagnosed with stomach ulcers and was prescribed Tagamet (this was before Tagamet became an over the counter drug). This could very well be what's going on. With so much stress at work, at school, my new relationship, and still trying to find time to take care of myself...it all gets to be too much sometimes.

I woke up up today around 3 and tried to do homework (which is what I was supposed to do last night but I was sick). Still, I couldn't concentrate. I even had to miss school today. I'll get notes from someone else but it's like we're at the last few weeks away from finals, and I have a term paper due next Saturday, and, and, and...you get the picture.

Today, I asked God...can I be excused from my life? I'm full now and I don't want any desert. I just want to be excused from the table now, please. This type of self-pity feeling I do not do well with at all. As a matter of fact, I'm sitting here, on a Saturday night, feeling self-pity for myself because my other friends are out playing and I'm home with stomach cramps and trying to get to a place where I can do my homework. Ahhhh, what a life!

I really don't like feeling this way, but you know, I certainly don't want to carry around these feelings so I talk, and write, and pray about them.

I do continue to pick up my phone and make calls to friends, though. That's something I find I can do when I feel like this. Even then, I wonder if my friends are thinking...Jeez, what's up with him?They probably don't think that and I don't think that when somone is talking to me about when they're having a hard time. So then the question is...Why do I continue to be my worse critic?

God, I really wish you would take away all my self-pity feelings because quite frankly, I'm tired of them and they only drive me crazy. Please, now, and thank you. Good night, ya'll. I'm gonna go cover my almost-29-year-old head under pillows and think of how great it is to be in bed at 10 p.m. on a Saturday night.

2002-11-14T12:28:00.000-08:00

Symbolism--What Does it All Mean??????????????

You know how when you read a book or watch a movie and there's symbolism to help apply some sort of meaning to what the author/ director is trying to express? Whether the symbolism is expressed in the lighting, in the character, in the objects that appear in that particular genre, symbolism pops up all over the place. But what about in life? Do you think that symbolism plays a part of our daily lives?

When I think about this question, a few instances instantly pop into my head. Once, when I was about 16, I was playing put-put (miniature golf) with three other friends. One was my best friend and the other two females were our dates (this was before I faced the looming possiblity of being gay and busting down the doors coming out of that damn closet). Well, our golf balls were playing tricks in a seemingly symbolic manner. They would group with one another throughout each course, covering all the probablities of this person's ball joining with that person's ball. Sometimes, they would separate indidually and I took this as meaning that each of our lives would separate, too. I didn't want to believe that our lives would separate, mind you. Surely enough, today I hardly speak with my best friend in high school and I haven't seen the other two since girls since shortly after that incident (13 years later...my how time flies).

When I observe nature, I wonder if the animals' lives have symbolic meaning in my life. For example, watching the starfish at Monterey Bay Aquarium move very, very slowly gives me the idea that I need to slow down, move slower, and not to be in such a rush. And what about that poor salmon which chooses to swim upstream just to die at the end of the stream in its original birthplace? I don't know what meaning God has for that in the life of a salmon, but I can't help wonder... Are there situations in my life where am I swimming upstream, going against the tide, if you will?

I try, to the best of my ability, to follow my Higher Power's guidance and sometimes I can't help but wonder if The Great Spirit is putting symbolic meaning in my life as a way for me to learn something OR if it's just the plain fact that sometimes I think too much.

I mean, I remember when I was about six months into recovery, 21 years old, and while driving home from work, an owl flew right in front of my car. Now, at the time I lived in a woodsy area so the fact that there was an owl in the area was no surprise. Still, I wondered if that meant I should take extra effort in trying to apply wisdom to the decisions I make in my life. This example certainly lends its way towards superstition.

To wrap it all up, I ask you these questions: Do you think that symbolism plays a part in your life? Since (as my dear friend Marlene just pointed out to me in our phone conversation) symbolism is created in books and movies and other genre to CREATE meaning, are these simply coincidences in our life OR are they signs from our Higher Power trying to relate some message to us?

Still, I'm rather fond of the idea of learning how to look at nature and compare it's being to the way I live my life. I mean, I don't want to be a Canadian Goose shitting all over the sidewalks like they are here at my work building (OK- I think I just ruined whatever amount of all-natured-Mother-Earth-goodness feel this blog had to it) but at the same time I think there could be a lot to learn by comparing my being with animals and other aspects of nature.

Oh, just to let you all know, too...I passed my Writing Skills Test that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. I had to score an 8-12 in order to pass and I received an 8. I'm quite pleased with it.

Welp, until next time...be good to yourself and to each other.

2002-11-06T20:56:00.000-08:00

Splat

This is pretty funny. David sent it to me and it's so cute, and funny, and sad. Don't worry...it's not depresssingly sad...it's a funny sad. Actually, it's not even sad...it's just...funny. Check it out yourself. Hopefully you have volume to hear it.

2002-11-02T18:25:00.000-08:00

Tired to the Bone

I had my two mid-terms today. My California History teacher had the gall to lecture after the mid-term whereas my Latin American Art teacher did not. At least I have Latin American Art class first and was able to have more time to review for my CA History mid-term. I'm beat. I'm pooped. I'm done. I'm through. I'm exhausted. How many more ways can I put it?

I wanted to cry today during my Latin American Art final. After hours of watching videos, reading the text, studying my notes, reviewing even more...I still didn't feel confident enough taking the mid-term exam. FRUSTRATING AS HELL. I do, however, have a tendency to strive for perfection, or at least almost perfect, so I'm trying to just let this go. I'll find out in 2 weeks how I did and I'll let ya'll know how I did.

OK. I'm gonna go now. More later.

2002-10-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

Firecracker, Firecracker, Boom, Boom, Boom

I just took a 45 minute study break to carve a pumpkin. I checked my e-mail and my friend, Will, sent me this link. Check it out. It's pretty cool.

2002-10-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

Funny

I just heard the funniest thing. It made me bust out laughing. I'm studying for my California History mid-term that's next Saturday and listening to an Underground Dance Internet Radio Station broadcasted from Dublin, Ireland. (Wait, that's not the funny part.)

There's this guy's voice that says these little things in between each song and he just said..."Our father, who aren't in Heaven...Please stay there."

Now, mind you I am into spiritually and truly in believe in the importance of maintaining some sort of spirtuality in my life. Still, I thought that was pretty funny when I heard it and thought I'd share it with you all. Bye! Back to studying about the California Indians.

2002-10-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

Listen Up Ya'll: This is Real.
The Murder of Eddie Araujo

The past couple of mornings, I've been listening to the Wild 94.9 Doghouse morning show. They' ve been talking about the murder of a 17 year old transwoman. Never in my life have I felt so moved and disturbed by this murder. There have been many murder cases involvoing hate crime and it really opens my eyes that this is still happening today. According to the article linked above, this is the "13(th)reported anti-transgender muder in the United States."

I don't know very many details of the incident; but, what I do know is pretty shocking and is more real to me than any hate crime has been. I do know that the murder happened on Oct. 3rd at a party in Newark, California. Three teenagers killed a person for being different than them while others watched. In my eyes, these people are accessories to the murder and are guilty by association. I am blind to any hate crimes going on today, or within the past year, because I don't watch the news or read the newspaper. The last hate crime event I recall is when Matthew Sheppard was killed. But this article shows even more incidents of this sort. When Matthew's case was being covered by the media, I hadn't paid much attention to the news surrounding the event nor was I in touch with my feelings about the hate crime.I haven't heard about hate crimes lately so being confronted with this very real issue brings very new and raw feelings to surface for me. I was leaving a message for a friend this morning to tell them to spread the word to their friends that they attend a memorial service, tell other friends, OR JUST DO SOMETHING that tells the world..."HEY! Just because other people are different than you doesn't give you the right to murder them. Everyone needs love and deserves to be loved." I started busting out in tears. I've even thought about telling my boss that a friend of mine died and going to the wake/viewing or funeral services. (For you local people in the Bay Area, you can go here to read about these memorial services.) Then again, the-god-given-right-to-hate-somebody-just-because-they're-different Reverend Fred Phelps plans on being at the wake to protest against "fags." The radio show had him on the air this morning. When confronted with the fact that he plans to show up and not expect to be surrounded by a mob of people, he told the radio show host..."Shut up you faggot ass son-of-a-bitch." This, people, is supposedly a loving person to spread the word of God. Well, I don't know what god he belongs to but it sure isn't the god that I think of to be loving of everyone. Needless to say, this remark really pissed off the dj and he said that the reverend better not show up to the wake because he will be attacked. Then, they went into a conversation about not begetting violence with violence but that when it comes to murder w/ a hate crime enhancement that there is little or no tolerance for these acts and something has to be done to say that this is not ok.

I don't know what else to say right now. I gotta bet back to work. More later...Please remember...be good to yourself and to each other. This really has much more meaning to me now...more than ever!

2002-10-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

A Trip to the Museum

On Sunday, the Oakland Musuem was celebrating Día de los Muertos. It was a special day because it was a free event with arts and craft activities, food booths, and live ceremonial dances.

There were face paintings and there was also a table to make miniature ofrendas out of colored clay and paper products (offerings such as plates of food, flowers, and candles, are traditional toys for living children and serve as part of the traditional ofrenda ceremony).

Dean and I chowed down on some killer burritos (how's that for mexican lingo?). The tortialls were handmade and the ingredients were fresh. I dipped my crisp corn chips into garlic salsa and spread pineapple salsa on my burrito before each delicous, juicy bite (mmmmmm....). We also got to see how they make Sugar Skulls. Dean said he saw kids carrying around pan de muerto. If anyone is planning on throwing a Dia de los Muertos party, these food items are a must have!

Standing in the warm afternoon sun, we watched traditional dance and offering ceremonies. The dancers were dressed in their custom costumes, with feathered head dresses decorated with animal head figures. My favorite dance ceremony was the Mayan.

I'll write a one page article on my experience of the trip and get extra credit for my Latin America Art class. Pretty cool.

Say, have you sent your friends a beatcard yet?

2002-10-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

Check Her Out

Hey you guys. Check out my friend's website. Her name is Cookie Dough and her and I have performed a few duets together (you can click here to see our pix together.) She's a sweet hearted drag-queen and a dear soul sista o' mine. Click here to visit her website. I just love this girl. Tell your friends about Cookie's new website. Spread your legs...ooh, excuse me...I mean, spread the word.

2002-10-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

Writin'...and Sleepin'...and Eatin'...and Lovin'...

On Monday, I took a Writing Skills Test at school. It's a test that junior-level entry students need to take as part of satisfying their degree requirement. There was a list of 40 topics that I could review beforehand and only one of them would be assigned. I hoped to not get one regarding science, but I did. We had 15 minutes to prepare an outline and 75 minutes to write the essay. My topic was as follows:

According to one writer, "Studying science is excellent training for the mind. Science can teach that some things are quite definitely wrong; that knowledge is a much better guide than ignorance, and it can teach humility in posing endless questions to which we have no good answers."

I had to write an essay that examined the validity of this writer's claims about the value of studying science, developing my response with clear reasoning, examples, and details...blah, blah, blah.

Well, out of a total 12 points, I'm hoping a get a passing score of 8. In summary, I approached the essay in a way that desribed the different fields of science (i.e., chemistry vs. phsical sciences) and how their individual approaches did or didn't relate to what the writer claimed. I'll find out the results in 4-6 weeks.

I'd continue on with more specific examples of how I responded, but I want to blog about the next thing, too, and I still have to study some more.

Dinner with the Family...What Drama...

I went to Outback Steakhouse with my parents and my brother tonight. My brother and step-dad were already lit from drinking so my brother was pretty quiet and out of it while my step-dad was loud and laughing all the time. Oh, I haven't told you yet that my 250 pound step-dad broke his heel on the job by falling off a scaffle. There, now I've told you. My step-dad is using crutches. When exiting the restaurant, in the middle of the double-door entry way, my step-dad falls off his crutches onto the floor. All the while, there are two kind, early-thirties-looking ladies holding the door open and one 14-ish chubby boy looking astonishingly at the scene. My brother tried all he could to pull my step-dad up by his arm while I lifted from his underarms. As we were lifting, he began to fart. This made us all laugh and made it all the more difficult to lift him off the ground. We finally lifted him up and his shorts were hanging half way down his but, so I pulled them ups quickly in an attempt to save him even more embarrasment by the onlookers. I left shortly thereafter, thanking them for dinner. What a scene.

Do you have any embarrasing family moments such as this one? Film them on video and send them to:

Kids Who Are Completely Embarrased By Their Parents
1230 Why Do We Even Bother? Ave
Please Hide Me Quick, Now 11990.

2002-10-14T12:36:00.000-07:00

True Colors

What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by Quizilla

2002-10-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

As the Wolrd Turns

Yes, I am aware that I am copying a soap-opera's title, but it definitely fits how I've been feeling.

After the auto mechanics at the Toyota dealership finished with my car, the total cost of my 60,000 mile tune-up, replacing front breaks, fixing my door handle and key lock, my original estimate had doubled to a grand total of $1,044. I make no claims to be made of money so I just charged the money to my credit card. I'll be paying off debts for the next five years...literally. STOP! Ok, I'll stop. I won't go into what I'm in debt over but right now there's no light at the end of the tunnel for paying off my debts.

I will go into how I feel vulnerable, though, everytime I get my car tuned up or whatever. If the people tell me..."Oh, you need ____ and _____ repaired," my reply is, "Well, OK. If I have to have it. I really can't afford it...but if you have to do that..." (Then I space off into an everlasting worry of living life in debt.)

I feel like a black rabbit in white snow. Easy to spot the vulnerable one. Dean suggested I ask to look at my front brakes that they repaired. I told him that I wouldn't even know what I'm looking for, granted they show me the actual brake pads that were on my car. (At least he knew what to look for.)

You see, that's the thing for me. I felt that they may not even show me what was on my car, so by asking them to show me the brakes seems redundant. But, is it in the asking that helps me to at least feel that I'm taking care of myself, that at least I'm asking the question.

ring...ring...ring...bing-bong... REVELATION TIME: The preceeding example shows how I live my life. If I think that saying something isn't going to change anything, regardless of the circustance or what the outcome may be, I won't say anything at all. It feels useless to me to say something because I feel that there's no part in arguing/ disputing an issue when it's not going to change anything. Case in point...I've talked about how I've been going up to Sacramento for work. Well, there are now other people who will be going so they're getting a rental car. However, instead of parking the car at our Hercules facility (where everyone who will be going works AND is my supervisor's suggestion), they're parking the car at our Benicia facility because it's easier for everyone else. Well, it's out of the way for me so if I want to ride in the company car with the others (which definitely beats the alternative of driving 120 miles round trip), I have to drive out of my way. This frustrates me because it feels to me that they don't care that I have to go out of my way...they just do what's easier for them. Granted, I am outnumbered 3 to 1...but still, I hate that I feel they are "taking advantage of me because I'm a nice person." I HATE THAT!

Still, I guess it's important that I say to the people "I don't agree with you and it's frustrating for me to drive extra miles because it's closer to your house."

I will get reimbursed for driving the extra miles, but that means I have to get up earlier. Plus, they don't leave the area until the time I'm already up there in Sacramento (1 hours drive). Anyway, I guess my higher power has a plan and I'll try and follow that.

This is new territory for me ya'll--speaking up for things I don't agree with and learning how to say my peace and letting go of the outcome. I just as well figure...hell, If I'm gonna express my ideas, then I'll expect them to come true. Not exactly the case, is it? I guess that's why I have, for the most part, not expressed my ideas...if they're not gonna happen, then why say anything at all. Now, this isn't how I live my whole life (I don't think) but certainly certain areas in my life are affected my this dismeanor and I don't know if I should: a) change what I'm doing; b) incorporate a new way of being, or; c) mix 'em up a bit. I vote for option c.

Another long blog ya'll. I guess I really needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading. Until next time...keep smiling!

2002-10-07T18:30:00.000-07:00

The Most Precious Moments are Those Which Are Unexpected

I called into work sick again today. I'll go back tomorrow but I wish I wasn't sick because the days that I called in sick to work have been perfect beach days and I'd much rather be there than sick in the house.

Well, I took my car into Hayward Toyota dealership to have them fix my door handle from the unfortunate incident at school on Saturday (see blog below). While I was there, it was brought to my attention that my car was due for a major tune up. All together, my estimate came to a grand total of $550.00. ~Ca-ching! Bustin' out the credit card~

An elderly man of about 75 years of age by the name of Ingrid gave me a ride back home (to Dean's where I stay a few days out of the week). He was telling me how he just got engaged to a friend he's known for 25 years. His fiancee's husband passed away 8 years ago and his wife passed away 2 years ago. He goes on to say how refreshing it is to have someone new in his life...how this person brings a new light and comfortable caring carress to his life. It was beautiful what he was telling me. He said they went to Pier 39 in San Francisco and walked around holding hands. Periodically, when they walked apart, she'd call him over and all he had to do was bend over and kiss him on the cheek. He said, "I feel like a 25 year old man again." Yep, these old people expressing a youthful love towards each other made me stop and think...how cool.

Well, I had to rent a car and the only thing Enterprise had was this big ol' truck. It's pretty butch and I'll have it only for one day. The rental fees are more than I hoped and charging all this money is pretty depressing. But, what the heck. I guess I can be grateful that I have the resources to take care of these needs, eh?

Welp, off to see Sweet Home Alabama. Any Reese Witherspoon fans out there! I just love her, especially in Election. Take care, ya'll.

2002-10-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

I Can't Think of a Heading for This Blog...So Here Ya Go...

I've been sick for the past few days. My nostrils have been taking turns of deciding which one wants to be stuffed up. I felt feverish in the middle of last week and was just really run down. I called in sick on Friday and have been resting ever since, except for when I went to school on Saturday.

When I came out of my California History class, I got to my car, put my stuff in the trunk and went to unlock the driver's side door. That's when I noticed someone had tried to break into my car. The key lock was all bent up. Luckily, they didn't break a window or anything. I'm usually really good about not leaving anything worth stealing in visible site in my car. Well, I did leave my CD case, one CD, and my headset for my cell laying in the seats. Would they have broken in without these items in visible site in an attempt to steal the car itsel? I do not know. I filed a police report and will be submitting a request to the school security that they install video cameras for the parking lots and heighten security. I bet security doesn't even patrol the parking lots as it is.

Other than that, school is going really well. I started at Hayward State and am taking, in addition to the aforementioned California History course, an English Grammer course and Latin American Art. The latter is the most interesting course this semester, though the teacher is rather dull. To make matters worse, she brings in Professor Van de Loo from Arizona State University and he not only talks about stuff that we covered last week, but takes up all the time discussing stuff that isn't on our syllabus and doesn't leave our professor time to talk about what she wanted to cover that IS on the syllabus. This frustrates me because it's already a crammed course as it is. I want the teacher to cover in class what's on the syllabus (essentially, what we'll be tested on) and get anxious when they don't. I'm trying to go with the flow, with the understanding that what they're offering is, in a way, "expanded knowledge", a "broader understanding" of the topic(s) at hand, even though I may not be tested on it.

But by taking Latin American Art and studying the Mesoamerican Art, it got me thinking of our world today and what if people in the future find ruins of what makes up our world today. For example, they see all the highways built and ruins of the machines. The archaeologists would connect that we used the machines to build these and other structures. Then, they would wonder where we got the material (was it manufactured or is it a natural resource), how it was transported (again, they would find ruins of the highways and automobiles then come to the conclusion that we have an advanced transportatoin system; eventually, coming to the understanding of international trade, especially when they find materials that are marked "Made In Japan"). I hope this is making sense to you. Sometimes, it's difficult for me to express clearly the ideas that are going on in my head. I'm sure you can relate.

Well, I think this is the longest blog I've ever blogged. I'm been building up and now I'm exploding (ooh, no he didn't just say that!). Until next time...be good to yourself and to each other. God knows I am trying.

2002-09-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

Damn, Where Have You Been?

OK, I think I just made a new world record here. I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks. There is no excuse whatsoever for this behavior. However, there are a few contributing factors:

*I have an additional 2 hour commute to and from work 1-3 days per week now. Before, I would spend some of my lunch time to add entries to this here site. This option has been taken away from me now that I travel to Sacramento for work.

*Since I've been working in Sacramento, my desk in Hercules has been piling up. It makes for ALOT of crazy making and I'm constantly workin' like a dog (although, dogs don't really work...actually, they're rather lazy. How did this phrase get started. Anyone know?)

*OK- OUT WITH IT: I have also been seeing someone new. We've been doing lots of stuff together...we've walked along beaches, we went to Gay Day at Six Flags Marine World, we go dancing every Friday night (though, this will be coming to stop because I start school this Saturday), and we've gone to social gatherings. He's a great cook and is a real sweetie. Pardon me while I use of some Jill Scott's lyrics to describe how I feel:

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet
Happily excited by your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me,
You school me, give me some things to think about,
Invite me, you ignite me, co-write me, you love me
You like me, you incite me to chorus

You're different and special
You're different and special in every way imaginable
You love me from my hair follicle to my toe nails
You got me feelin’ like the breeze easy and free and lovely and me
Awww when you touch me I just can't control it
When you touch me
I just can't hold it
The emotion inside of me
I can feel it

All the while, you know I still have a place for David in my heart. I have told him and friends this very thing...that he has a place in my heart that noone else will have. We all have that impact on others. Who is it that you love? Who is dear in your life that you need to reach out to them today and say..."I Love You. Thank you for being in my life today." It is important to appreciate friends, family, and loved ones in our life and to express that appreciation.

On that lovely note, until next time, be good to yourself and to each other.

2002-09-08T18:20:00.000-07:00

The Basics--Revised Into Something Completely Different

"So, how are you and your partner doing?" someone asked me the other day at work. I told her the news that after five years, we'd broken up. She apologized, a common and almost instant human response. "Well, maybe it's for the better?" OK- the second most common and almost instand human response I heard. (Trust me, I've taken a survey on this. These are the most common responses. These two would be the top two answers were we playing Family Feud).

So, the conversation turns to the basics of a relationship. No matter if the relationship is between two men, two women, or a man and a woman, the basics of a relationship are the same. Issues of trust and each person having their own support group are a couple of such examples.

It is important for me to have at least one other person to talk to about the challenges I'm facing while being in a relationship. It's real easy to get all caught up in the whirlwind of being in a relationship, especially one that's just starting to lift off the ground. In doing so, it's easy to forget to take care of myself. I find that this is an important key in order for the relationship to survive. It's like putting on my air mask in the case of an emergency before attempting to help someone else. How can I be of service or give of myself to someone else if I don't take care of myself first?

I've been striving moreso these days to increase my connection with my higher power. In addition to writing in a journal, I'm praying more and trying to be more honest in my life today. I'm reaching out to friends more and trying to maintain that connection with them. This is crucial in my life today because it reminds me that I am loved and that, no matter what my crazy head tells me sometimes, I'm doing OK. I'm exactly where I need to be at today and I don't have to always know exactly what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling a particular way...I just have to feel what I'm feeling and pray to my higher spirit to guide me through whatever changes I'm going through. It's very comforting to truly feel in my heart that my higher spirit is always with me and loves me no matter what.

Today, I pray that I be honest with people to the best of my ability and that I don't allow my frustrations to get the best of me.

2002-09-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

Lesson For the Day

Never buy shoes from Target unless you're absolutely, positutely, sure that they fit comfortably enough. I bought a pair of black work shoes last night. The back of them rubbed against the back of my heel and hurt so much I didn't want to walk. I tried to take them back at the return line.

"I'm sorry. But if they're worn, we can't take them back."

"But I've only worn them today and now they're killing my feet."

"I understand but we can't take them back."

Well, I'm not letting it ruin my day.I did find another pair in a style that I'd been wanting, anyway. But still, how in the heck am I going to find out for sure or not that the shoes don't fit if I don't walk around in them for a day?

Anyway, I'm not letting it ruin my day. I've given others the right of way while driving and am remaining curteous. So there!

Anybody want a pair of black, Cherokee, suede-like shoes? Size 8 in mens. Come on. I know you want 'em. Going...going...gone.

2002-08-28T00:11:00.000-07:00

Fun New E-Cards

OK- if you like sending your friends e-cards, here's a new selection for ya. My friend, Dean (who went with me on the whitewater trip--have you looked at the pix?) sent me a card from here and I decided to check it out. Go to beat greets.com and you can choose from a variety of songs to create a new e-card. They have dance, hip-hop, heck, even country and Christian Gospel music to choose from. I really love it. It's the new way to send e-cards. What are you waiting for? Hop to it!

2002-08-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Whitewater Pix

You can check out some pix from my whitewater adventure the other weekend. There are a few steps:

*Just click here
*Choose American Rivers
*Choose AWE (American Whitewater Expeditions) as the company
*Fill in the date fields with August, Days 15-21, year 2002
*The rafting date is 08/17/02.
*My group is in sets 3 and 13.

Now, if you make it that far, congratulations on being perseverent. Your undying efforts to see these pix will be awarded with pure enjoyment of getting to see them.

2002-08-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

Fartin' Around

2002-08-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

My Son Turns 8 Today

Happy birhtday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Joey
Happy birthday to you.

My favorite childhood version of this traditional song goes like this:

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
You smell like a monkey
And you look like one too.

2002-08-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Water Fun

I went whitewater rafting yesterday with some co-workers, their guests, and some friends of mine (Reggie, Dean, and Benjamin). This was the second time I rode the rapids at American Whitewater Expeditions on the South Fork of the American River. The ride wasn't as exciting as it was when I went the first time two years ago. The trip on the South Fork is a Class 3. I think I'm ready for the next level, ya'll. That's right. Put on the helmets and head for a Class 4.

I'm on the Activities Committee at work. We plan the Holiday Parties, etc... and we have different events throughout the year. This is the second time I planned the whitewater expedition. I didn't get to go last year because I had my first Saturday class. I'm really, really happy that I got to go this year. Some friends and I had a boat to ourselves, we had water fights with the other boats, and we got to take occasional dips in the freezing cold water. Ahh! What a relief!

I'd gotten up yesterday morning at 5:15 a.m. because we had to be there around 9. Well, I was also supposed to meet up with some co-workers to caravan but neither of these things happened. I was behind schedule, got lost getting up there, and I was stressed. I hate not being on time. If I'm running late and am supposed to meet people at a certain place at a certain time, I stress. It's all for no reason, really, because, in the end, everything works out.

Still, after the event, I felt relaxed (or was it just plain delirious from lack of sleep and lots of activity?).

Well, after a full nights rest, I'm gonna go see the Galaxy Show tonight. Since all my drag is packed, I won't be performing in the show but it's a great line up and I'm totally excited about seeing the show. I'm rounding up a few friends, too, to go support The Girls.

TTFN.

2002-08-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

Achieving Inner Peace

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started. It is definitely working for me.

Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a strawberry cheesecake, a package of Oreos, a 12 pack of Diet Coke, and a small box of chocolates.

I feel better already.

2002-08-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

Treating Myself

I used my housemate's hot tub for the first time last night. At first, I blasted the jets and the bubbles bursted like a great big pot of boiling water. It looked like I felt emotionally. Then, I turned off the jets and just soaked in the warm water. (I found out from one of my roommates that I need to let it warm up for about 1/2 hr. before I get into it). Oh well. I still enjoyed it. The water turned from a bubbly to placid. I moved my arms gently and watched them make small ripples in the soft, chlorinated water. My emotional state, too, turned from stir-crazinees to calm and serene.

After de-virginizing myself from the use of the hot tub, I took a shower, drank hot peach herbal tea, and watched Smallville (for the first time, I might add). Many people think the star of the show is a cutie, but I must say that while his body his hot, his face isn't all that attractive to me. I'm much more attraced to his friend. Then I watched the newest episode of Sex and the City. The funniest part about it was when Carrie commented on the fact that Miranda met a man a place where people who over eat and he over-ate her! Ooooh! HAHAHAHAHAH! I was busting up.

2002-08-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

Details, Details

With my relationship ending with David comes moving time. Oh boy! With all the up and down and lifting exercise I've been getting, the muscles on the back of my quads are tight. I guess I hadn't used those muscles enough. Hmm.
Anyway, I'm gonna be roomies with three other guys. One of them, a trusted and respected acquaintance, owns the place and he rents rooms out to people. It's in El Sobrante, which is closer to work but means more driving time to get to the drag show and to San Francisco. That's OK, tho', it's only like 10-15 more minutes.

BUT, what I'm trying to get at here is that during this transition, I might be changing e-mail addresses which means my missdaisy website might be down, which means that the pix and things I have linked to it to appear on this here blogsite will no longer be activated, which means...oh, stop it already!

I hope to get some pictures from Joey's visit posted soon. But with moving and getting back to work after two weeks of vacation, I'll be pretty busy. We shall see.

Until next time...be good to yourself and to each other.

2002-08-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

What Have I Been Up To?

I want to fix all that's unfinished inside
and still recognize your eyes on mine
before we let go
I just want you to know
that you will always hold a part of me.--Rebecca Riots, Endings

I'm packing.
I'm playing with Joey until he leaves tomorrow.
I'm lovin'.
I'm hatin'.
I'm excited about moving.
I'm fearful of the change.
I'm missing my relationship with David.
I'm feeling awkward about being single.
I'm trying to forgive myself around some behavior that I don't feel too proud of.

*sniff* *sniff*
*blow nose*
*wipe eyes with snotty tissue*
I'm trying to listen to my heart more often.
I'm trying to be more honest with myself and with others.
I'm experiencing the end of a big part of my life and starting the beginning of something new and unknown.
I'm living.

2002-07-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

A Happy and Well Adjusted Homo Guy

I took a Gay-o-Meter test and I'm 53% Gay. Lorraine, who originally e-mailed the url to me, is 66% gay. How gay are you? Click here to take the test and find out. It only takes a couple of minutes. Don't be shy. Step right up and click away. Whether you're straight or gay, male or female, it is a fun test. Leave your results in the comments box. Let's see who can get the highest score.

2002-07-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

Cartoon Lover

Routine while on vacation:

1) Sleep until 9 a.m.
2) Watch cartoons (i.e., Powerpuff Girls, Scooby Doo)
3) Watch The Price is Right

I love Plinko! It's my favorite game on that show! I wish Target, or some other place, sold Plinko. I'd definitely put it on my Christmas Wish List. Plinko rocks!

The Powerpuff Girls rock, too. Admittedly,I just started watching the cartoon more regularly in the past few months. When I heard about their movie , I was more excited about it than the Scooby Doo movie. You see, the makers of Powerpuff Girls didn't take real live people, nor did they attempt to substitute some alternate form of animation, to make the three fighters-o'-crime. They used them as is. I would've been more excited about the Scooby Doo movie had the makers approached it the same way. But noooo. They had to make the characters be real people and create some freaky animated version of Scooby Doo. It's not the real Scooby Doo. Granted, there is no real Scooby Doo, but it's not the one I'm used to. I probably will see the movie some day, tho'. But I definitely plan to go see Powerpuff Girls in the theatre. Joey actually watches them, too. I thought he would say, "Oh, no, that cartoons for girls."But, that didn't happen. Cool! Who is your favorite PP Girl? Is it

a) Blossom
b) Bubbles or
c) Buttercup?

Last night, before going to bed, I was sipping on some peach herbal tea and watching What's Opera Doc?. In case you haven't seen it, it's a Bugs Bunny cartoon set to music (some original pieces by Milt Franklyn and Chuck Jones, some non-original pieces by Richard Wagner). It's very well done, adapted from an earlier cartoon, Herr Meets Hare. It's put together wonderfully, with almost every movement in-synch with the music. I went to bed with that song in my head..."Kill the Rabbit, Kill the Rabbit," and thought, "No, don't kill the rabbit."

2002-07-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

I Need Some Sex Back In My Life

Yes, you heard me right. I've really missed it. It's been months since I haven't had any sex in the city. I'm gonna get me some tomorrow night though. Yes, that outrageous foursome that tears up New York City will be dishing out eight new episodes, starting tomorrow night!

Let's see. We last left off when Mr. Big (hmm, I'd like to see that, ok?) was leaving New York City and Samantha was having love troubles with her boss. Charlotte was living the single life, again, and Miranda was delivering a new life into the world. Speaking of delivering a new life, this article explains, amongst other juicy details, why we will be entertained with only 8 episodes (instead of 13) because Sarah Jessica Parker had to go and get pregnant. Doesn't she know what the lack of these 5 episodes is doing to her fans! Geez!

Nonetheless, I abosolutely, positutely, look forward to seeing the new episode of Sex and the City, tomorrow night on HBO. Any other Sex addicts out there? I know I'm addicted.

2002-07-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

What to do, what to do

I'm on two weeks vacation, Joey is here, and I'm squeezing in blogging time. Joey and I went hiking today. Kids really do demand so much attention but I'm trying to relax and enjoy my vacation from work, too. I'm looking for cheap fun stuff to do. I have picnics planned, as well as kite flying, maybe go to the beach if the weather is nice, go to the park, play board games, and watch cartoons. Connecting to Joey is definitely part of the plan, too. Welp, Joey's getting off the phone with his mom. Off to entertain.

2002-07-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

Funny Search

I was looking at the referrals list for the vistors to this here site and one of them was from a yahoo search of...

"pictures of girls on cop cars."

2002-07-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

Typing...with ease

Just went to Staples and bought myself and new keyboard. Now, I can type freely without the worry of copying my h's, g's and apostrophes.

See...hhhhh,ggggg,'''''.

Ah, much better.

Now I think I' go along commenting on other's blogs to my hearts content.

One little thing, tho'. Everytime I hit the space bar, it makes a little ticking noise. Oh, well.

2002-07-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

From the Heavens

Joey is flying in tomorrow. I am looking forward to it very much so. This is be the third year that he'll have flown out here by himself. I have to work three days out of next week; other than that, I have two weeks off for vacation. Boy, do I need it! Things have been a little crazy and there are many changes in my life. It will be great, yet challenging, to fulfill my fatherly duties. OK, ya'll, the h, g and ' buttons are going wacko on my keyboard and I'm tired of copying and pasting these characters each time I need it, so stay tuned for more stuff later. Meanwile, Im off to et a new keyboard.

2002-07-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

Free Fallin'

I heard about Joseph Kittinger's longest parachute jump in history just the other day, though I forget where. In order to believe what I was reading, I decided to look it up. Sure enough. The vision I remember seeing is real. Take a look at this Life Magazine cover from when the article ran in August 1960. Fascinating! Utterly fascinating! That would be such a trip. Jumping from 19 miles in the air, almost 100 degrees below zero...it's practically insane.

2002-07-03T12:29:00.000-07:00

AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

There. That feels better.

2002-07-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

Trailing Behind

Many others have blogged about what a great day it was at the 32nd annual GLBT (Gay, Tesbian, Bisexual, Transgender) Parade in San Francisco this past weekend. I was a contingent monitor for the Living Sober contingent. It was a service that I enjoyed providing...it felt like I gave something back to the community--and it was fun! I did take pix but not owning a digital camera, we are all forced to wait until I get the pictures developed. Pix of this fab event will be posted later on. I enjoyed watching Pansy Division, rocked out with Dead or Alive, and then danced with some friends. It was great being around a bunch of gay people--except for all the garbage afterwards. I swear the streets are a total mess after this event. That's just my little spew about how people shouldn't throw garbage on the ground or keep piling garbage on top of garbage, even though the can is already full.

On a lighter note, I saw Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. I had to see it because Ellen Burstyn . It will always be my belief that Julia Roberts stole the oscar from Ellen in the 2000 Oscars (Ellen worked circles around Julia for her performance in Requiem for a Dream). But I just love this woman! She always lights up the screen and her performances are just so real! That's the best thing I like about a movie--is how real can they make it?! I'm a sucker for emotional, relationship stuff in a movie. Make me cry and I am pleased! I always feel better after a cry anyway.

Off to walk around Lake Merritt again. I need to free my mind...get some "me" time. Until next time, be good to yourself and to each other.

2002-06-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

I'm on an Emotional Rollercoaster. Wee!

Only God knows where the story ends
for me; but I know where the story begins

It's up to us to choose
Whatever we win or loose
And I choose to win

--Mary J. Blige's No More Drama

I haven't slept much over the past week or so. Probably due to all the obsessive feelings I've been going through. After this past episode of obsession, I walked with alacrity around Lake Merrit to the rythm and sounds of Third Eye Blind blasting from the earphones of my CD walkman into my eardrums. It felt really great! I cried some more. Feelings of lost, planned dreams from my relationship with David, courage to begin my life anew, and strength to be present in my life all trickled in wetness down the sides of my cheeks. What release! Though I felt emotionally exhausted afterward, I felt ever so present. I noticed stores around The Lake that I hadn't noticed before and just felt so much a part of my enviornment, of the world, that the intense feeling of being alive (despite pain and worries), is so worth living for. A few years ago, I would've been afraid to feel my feelings. I used to think that my feelings would overwhelm me if I didn't stuff them. Now, I know that my feelings aren't that detrimental. In fact, I'm really thinking (no...really, I am) that I'm feeling most of my feelings surrounding this break-up now in hopes that I don't carry around too much extra baggage later on.

After the Release

I have come to a place where I feel that after the past month of mine and David's separation, I'm ready to see other guys. I don't want anything serious, nothing responsible. Just someone to hang around with, who is my age, someone I click with...you know, go to dinner, maybe even go hiking or bowling with together--all of this without any serious relationship around it. I think I may have found the guy, too. He's just a couple years younger than me, sexy as heck, so freakin' sweet, and we have a lot of stuff in common. For example, this is a first for both of us where we're not with someone who is older (though there's NOTHING wrong with that), we both talk about how we know we love ourselves and that what we're looking for is pretty much companionship. This may or may not involve sex but does consist of a mutual understanding that we're not getting into anything serious...we're just living and having fun. It's really cool.

In Other News

Don't forget...postal rates will increase this Sunday.

This article shows how dressing a Palestinian toddler in a suicide bomber outfit can rase some havoc.

2002-06-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

Bizarre Love Triangle Octangle?

I am nothing more than a little boy inside
That cries out for attention
though I always try to hide

--Staind's Epiphany

I'm tired of wanting what I can't have. There are two people in particular who I want to be with but I can't because they're not available (aka--they're in a relationship). In respect to their anonymity, I won't mention their names; but I have told them how I feel. I just want to hug them, and be held by them. I want them to speak softly into my ear while their deep voice hypnotizes me into a deep sleep. I just want to share the same space with them.

The problems with all this, you see, is that hanging around them as friends makes me want them even more. Yes, I said them. Every time I'm around these guys, I just want them so badly! They're terrific guys...loving, sweet, and know their own boundaries and are dedicated to being the best person they can be (and no, they didn't have to join the Army to get this).

So then I ask myself...How real, how valuable, are these feelings that I have for these guys? If I'm head over heels for more than one person, is that just being obsessive and careless OR can you really have true, I-wanna-be-with-you-and-only-you feelings for more than one person? I ask myself, yet no answers come. How sad. :-(

So, I have these feelings and can't do anything with them except feel them (uuugh!). Then what about sex? Being human, I feel the need to have sex. There are issues of morals behind this, too: not having sex with someone who is commited to another (that's a beginning); not having sex with someone who will offer me drugs or alcohol beforehand (that's an important boundary for me); and not having sex with someone that I'm not attracted to just because they want to have sex with me. Now that's a challenging one for me...you know, settling for what comes my way so that I don't take the risk of going after someone that I really, really like. Hmmm, only three morals re: sex that I can come up with. I would think that it would be more healthy to be able to think of more, but I can't think of any right now. Is that a bad thing? I don't know.

Let's review. There are two people for whom I have emotional and phsyical feelings (you know, the whole nine yards), and there are other people I want to have sex with and others I don't (though they have expressed interest). It makes me feel like I'm going in several different directions. This busy making is reflected in my mind at night. My mind just turns, and twists...it does cartwheels and goes flippity-flop. I haven't felt this way in a really long time. Ah, the joys of being single.

OK- so the message here is...learn to relax, take care of myself (i.e. bubble bath, hiking, going to the beach), and somehow get my serenity back. Plus, I'm single. I'm supposed to be enjoying it, right? Well, maybe I just need to enjoy being with myself, flirt with whomever I wish, and just not take things so seriously. Yes, I think these are some solutions to my temporary insanity.

Thank God for friends who listen to me and are willing to let me e-mail/ talk to them about whatever is going on in my head. I am a true believer in talking/ writing about whatever is going on in my head so that I can get some distance and relief. TTFN.

2002-06-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

Lookie Here (Borrowed from Zehava)

Which Peanuts Character Are You Quiz

2002-06-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

Action Packed

Wow! What a weekend. It was the funnest full weekend I've had in a while. Friday night was full of shakin' my groove thing, Saturday was my company picnic at Marine World, followed by Hollata Thymes's Drag Show at Club Fab (which involved a little more dancing afterwards). Then, today was filled with hanging out at the beach and hanging out with friends.

Dancing at the White Horse with a dear friend was a blast! It got confusing when I was dancing with him, and then I ended up dancing with other people. Then I started worrying, "Oh no. Is (my friend) upset because I'm dancing with other people now? Of course he wasn't, but I was just all confused. REMEMBER: I haven't done this dancing/ dating thing in a while so I'm learning as I go. The thing with this particular friend is that there's a physical (maybe more?) attraction between us that we have discussed in the past. The thing is, now he's dating someone. I've seen this friend several times over the weekend and it's challenging to keep my hands to myself in order to maintain the respect for him and his "dating partner." What's cool, tho', is that we've talked about it and knowing where each of us are coming from helps me, at least, to be aware of my actions (and the responsibilities associated with them).

The next day, after about 6 hours of sleep, David, Robert, and I enjoyed a day at Marine World. Robert and I learned a lot more about each other. I'm so grateful for the friendship we have and I totally get off on establishing intimacy with my friends. I want them to know me for who I am, and vice-versa. For me, tho', it's a whole lot easier to do this with friends than it is with a partner.

David headed home for a date while Robert and I headed to Russian River for a drag show. Some of the performances were scary while others were quite amusing. Ivy and Nick were there. Ivy was fabulous, as always! There was a little more dancing afterward followed by an hours drive home.

The next day was a blistery day at the beach, but I still soaked up some rays.

Now, I'm home and I had so much fun, I don't want the weekend to end. I want to keep on dancing, keep on hanging out with friends. But, there will me more of this as next weekend is the parade and the weekend is already chopped full of events (friends birthday party, pride celebrations, etc...).

I hope all is well with all o' ya'll. Until next time, be good to yourself and to each other.

2002-06-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

Click here to hear something really funny. It's an mp3 and I have no experience with posting one here so I do hope you can hear it. Trust me, tho', it's worth clicking to find out. If not, maybe e-mailing it to you could work? I just don't know.

2002-06-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

Burning

There's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive.
--Third Eye Blind's Motorcyle Driveby

The "separation" between David and I has been quite interesting. He and I talked about it last night. But you know, there's only so much you can talk about. Most of the stuff that's going on with me is happening in my head and in my heart. It makes sense to me when I'm going through the stuff but it's more difficult to try and explain it through verbal and/or written word. So, the only thing I can tell ya is that I'm allowing myself to go through whatever feelings I need to have around this whole ordeal. This is definitely an opportunity for growth; I'm learning more about myself and what my needs are. The weird thing, though, is that while David and I were a couple, I had people hitting on me and I would go along with flirting in a harmless yet playful way and say, Sorry, I'm in a relationship. Now, no one is hitting on me. Uh! But that's probably what I need right now since I need to go through my feelings around the separation before hoppin' in the sak with other cute guys. If I did that, then I don't think I'd be taking advantage of the learning opportunities available to me at this time. I've been able to cry about the situation--you know, letting go of what was once had and what is now no longer. I cried this morning to work, as a matter of fact. But you see, they're not tears of pain, rather tears of realizing that I am alive, living my life today, and not matter what, I'll always be a loving individual who is just somewhat confused and lost in this world. Yes, I'm 28 and still finding myself. Yea, I am single. It's weird to say, but it's true. The dating world awaits me and I'm shy when it comes to walking up to someone I think is cute and asking them out for a date. It's much easier to say "yes" to someone when they ask me out so that I don't have to go through the whole rejection thing. I don't mind rejection...I get over it rather quickly. But it's not one of my favorites, either.

I was walking around Lake Merrit yesterday and I was wondering if my emotional stuff I'm going through is considered to be boring. I mean, I don't have tales of sleeping around (although there may be some of those in the near future), or getting drunk over the break-up. Nothing exciting. Just little ol' me. Just me...burning to acknowledge my strenghts and desires...burning to seek my own truths...burning to experience whatever my Higher Power has in store for me.

2002-06-17T18:43:00.000-07:00

YO! Come On Move This!

Big thanks to the fellow bloggers who came to the show last night. No matter how I feel beforehand, it's like I always feel gratified after a show. I think it's just being out with friends, and allowing Crazee Daisy to have her fun...'cause that's what it's all about, dontcha know? I ended up skipping the Barbie Girl routine and instead performed I'm Too Sexy and Move This. Another year of performing in drag on Father's Day. Someone said "Happy Father's Day" to me (I think it was Jish or Bill, but I'm not sure) and from there Rula got the whole audience to express one big "Happy Father's Day" to me. That was the highlight of my evening. It was way cool (like, totally).

Welp, I'm hungry. Must eat. More later.

2002-06-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

Meanwhile, here's a pic of me from our last show, performing "Getting Married Today."

2002-06-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

One-Hit Wonders

It's time to get ready for tonight's show. I'll be performing Barbie Girl. Then I'm torn between perform Technotronic's Move This or Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy. The first is a real dance number and I'm still learning how to dance well in drag. But it's a great song. On the other hand, Sexy could go over well as a gender-bender sort of deal. We shall see. I don't know what I'm wearing or anything. Time to go pack and get ready for tonight's Galaxy Girl show.

2002-06-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Well, I've debated about blogging about this and have decided that if Cheyne can talk about this, then I can discuss with ya'll some personal changes going on in my life. (Mind you, I'm not insinuating the two contain similarities).

My boyfriend, David, and I are currently going through a separation. We are on a "trial basis"...each of us exploring what it is that we were missing in the relationship elsewhere. We have both discussed our concerns of having our needs met over the past year or so but we have always managed to work things out. Now, I guess the time has come for us to explore other options. There's no animosity but the quietness around the house sure feels weird.

This process has got me praying more and it also has me getting more honest with myself. This is giving me the opportunity to look at what I want out of life. Though I really had no control over the future in the first place, the question of where I am going in life has hit home more powerful these past few days.

Additionally, the idea of looking at my belief and value systems are concepts that I think are important for me to take a look at this time in my life. I mean, I've always thought of myself as a flexible and easy-going guy...but is this because of the lack of acknowledging my own truths and standing up for my own values and beliefs? What are they?I'm dealing rather well with the whole thing, though. It is a huge change in my life and at the same time, the change offers many opportunities of growth. I'll be doing more self-searching over the next couple of weeks than I'd ever dreamed, that's for sure. Only my Higher Powers knows what is in store for me. I'm merely showing up One Day At A Time, trying to be completely open to the direction of the spirit.

On a different topic, do you remember the Alligator my friend, Will, bought for his mom? Well, the wild thing escaped its cage and is on the loose. Check it out:

I'll leave you with this very pretty flower that Suejon sent me:

2002-06-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

Believing in Myself

Between you and me
It's hard to ever really know who to trust
How to think
What to believe
Between me and you
It's hard to ever really know who to choose
How to feel
What to do
Never Fade
Never Die
You give me Flowers of Love--The Cure, Bloodflowers

I did it again. Another week has gone by without blogging. An emergency situation came up at work and I've been managing this project for the past few days. I even had to go into work yesterday...on a beautiful, sunny, warm Saturday. YUCK! (While I was at work, David went to the beach and boy is he red!
) The warehouse supervisor that I've been working with on this project is a friend but she really gets herself all wound up because she is a control freak. (She admits it, too, so it's not like I'm telling you anything she wouldn't agree with). It's difficult to work around that so I did A LOT of praying and meditating before beginning the work day (I usually do anyway, but I really needed to feel grounded during this time).

OK- Here's the deal...I got the impression that she didn't think I could perform a particular function of the job. At first, my feelings were hurt. How dare she think that I can't do this part of the job, I thought when she first tried to convince me that it wasn't that she "...didn't trust me" but that she just wanted to "...make sure things were done right." This bugged me because, well, you see, it surprised me that she viewed me that way--that she didn't think I could do the job right. I lay in my bed later that night tossing because I couldn't get to sleep. It was bugging me, I tell, ya. But you know, I came to this conclusion:

I don't need anyone's approval, nor do I need them to believe, around what I can or can not do, how I am or how I act. I am totally powerless over how other people percieive me. I understand that by being open to how other people perceive me gives me the opportunity to look at that and decide for myself how true I think that is. But in this case, I came to the conclusion that I don't need her to believe what I can do and I will show up and do the best that I can. That's it.

I was able to go to work the next day without feeling like I wasn't doing the job right and without feeling like I had to do the job a certain way in order to please her. Thank you, God!

Sundance Channel Honors Ruth Ellis

Sundance Channel showed a documentary on Ruth Ellis last week. This 100 year old woman grew up in the slums of Springfield, Illinois but her perseverance and positive image of self enabled her to graduate from high school (amongst the 5% of black women who did graduate from high school during her time). She later moved to Northeast Detroit where she became the first woman to own her printshop in this city. This was during the 1940's and her home served as a haven for gay people. This documentary was an inspirational one. The fact that this woman lived her life being proud and never for who she is, Ruth is a pillar for gay history and has the experience of living through the years of the Roaring 20's, the civil rights movementand Stonewall.

In her senior years, Ruth learned how to use computers and develop film. She also took self-defense classes and learned how to bowl. Even though she may look old, her body and mind are still young.

Ideas she expressed in the documentary...
You're never too old to love;
You can change anytime you get ready. One is never too old to change.

2002-06-02T12:54:00.000-07:00

"Out Loud"

Sundance channel is celebrating its 4th annual Out Loud Filmest this month. hoorah! hooray! hooru! Click here to check out this months schedule, celebrating Gay Pride Month. Stay tuned for reviews of the ones I end up watching. If you get the channel, check some out, too!

2002-06-02T11:15:00.000-07:00

It's Been Too Long

...since I last caught up with what's been going on. Not too much has been happening, though. No confrontations with current events, no spiritual enlightenments, no pressing issues that demand my attention to write. But there are a few things that I'd like to share with you.

Last Friday, after paying bills n' stuff, I spoke with my 7 3/4 year old son, Joey, who lives in Houston, Texas. He's flown out here to California the past two summers to visit and I thought there were restrictions on minors flying solo (since the attack on the World Trade Centers). Come to find out, the restrictions applied only to certain Airlines and to particular flights (i.e., layovers and transfers). (Thanks Will for the clarification!) Here are some pix of me and my son:

This picture was taken during the summer of 2001 at a park. We have lots of fun at parks.

Here's another pic. This one was from when he visited during summer of year 2000. I forget what was going on here but he sure is happy in this picture! Yay!

I'm totally stoked about Joey coming out this summer. He told me he had some work pants that go past his feet and that he wants to bring them with him so he can do some work. Do some work?, I replied. What kind of work do you want to do? I thought he was going to say something like work on the car, but instead, he replied...Um...wash dishes. Too funny!

I went to Marlene's party this weekend. Ivy and Lorraine came as did many others. Nick, (Ivy's boyfriend and designer of the Galaxy Girl blogsite), burned for me a copy of a Zero 7cd. He was telling me about this band at the last drag show. When I listen to it more, I'll tell ya what I think of it.

A great time was had by all at the party. I enjoyed just kicking it with friends and having a great time. My friend, Will, was telling me about this huge stuffed alligator he'd bought for his mom. Check it out:

.

Isn't this sucker huge!?!

After the party, Marlene and I headed out to San Francisco, hung out with friends, and played rummy at the Castro Country Club for a couple of hours. We then strolled along Castro Street. As we were walking along, 4 or 5 cop cars came speeding and stopped right next to us. The police offers then began chasing after someone. Moments later, fire trucks came zipping by with their loud sirens, sending lound, shrieking, piercing sounds into my ears.

It was a really windy night and I got home around 1 a.m. I played Pac-Mania for about half an hour (scored over 200,000 points--woo hoo!)

2002-05-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

Check it Out

Suejon has some really cool pix! Her photoghraphy techniques are quite unique.

2002-05-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

Talkin' About a Dizzy Queen.
Look at Crazee Dazy!

A couple of years ago, David took me to MAC for a make-up application for my birthday. When we got home, he took a series of pix. This is the end result!

2002-05-26T23:07:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, David took me to my first trip to Disneyland. What a blast. Here we are being sweet with Pooh. Do you remember me talkin' about how Piglet is my hero? Tiger is David's hero.

2002-05-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Golden Graduate

Last Friday, I graduated with my AA degree in Liberal Studies w/ honors. Actually, after endless devotion, about 5 years of continuous dedication, and many, many essays later, I succeeded at graduating with a 4.0. Woo hoo! Golden, hell...that should be platinum! (My memo addressing the fact that students graduating with a 4.0 should receive a platinum tassle instead of a gold one is typed up, signed, and ready for submitall--just kidding). Working full-time, I only registered for six or nine units (2 or 3 classes) per semester. Still, this is definitely a long-awaiting, goal-achieving landmark. David, Marlene, and my friends Shiloh and Dakota (Dakota helps with taking the pictures that are posted on the Galaxy Girls blogsite) attended the glorious moment. Afterwards, David, Marlene, Shiloh and I, joined by Shiloh's boyfriend Greg, ate Thai food in Berekeley, went dancing at the White Horse for a bit, and then called it a night.

Mission: Life, Objective: Unknown

Being on vacation since Thursday has provided me with much needed rest, reflection, and lots of recreation. When it's warm outside, I usually can't stand being inside...It's practically my personal rule that I be outside enjoying the weather. That's why I haven't blogged the past couple of days. I was caught in a dilemna...blog or play...blog or play...PLAY!!! I've even dusted off the weights and did some weight lifting and excerise. Today, it's quite cloudy and I don't mind lazying around on a Sunday morning (especially since tomorrow is a Holiday...Memorial Day). I wanted to go hiking this morning at Muir Woods, but the weather isn't quite warm enough; hopefully, it will be tomorrow morning.

With all my little plans and wanderings-about these past few days, it got me to thinking about the importance of life. Certainly there's the aspect of sharing moments with friends, family, and loved ones. Then there's time to spend with your partner/soulmate/spouse...time spent building a stronger intimacy and getting to know each other a little more, not matter how long you've been together. Lastly, and rather most importantly, there's the time to spend with yourself to pray (or prey? haha), to get somewhere and be quiet for a bit...moments of reflection! Yes, that's what I'm getting at. These past few days have definitely been filled with reflection and just spending time with myself. Whether it be cleaning the house, hiking, working out, or sunbathing, the time spent by myself is treasured. I haven't had much of that in a while...with work, school, drag shows, parties (the list goes on ad infinitum), other people and events have been soaking up my energy. So, when I take a break from EVERYTHING and take a time out to realize that I truly can only live one day at a time, to realize that this day is the only day I have to make the best of it...it's a realization that helps me to enjoy the moment. Thank you, Higher Spirit! Until next time, be good to yourself and to each other. :--)

2002-05-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

black sand + hot sun = perfect beach day

I dig my toes into the sand.

The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket.

I lean against the wind, pretend that i am weightless and in this moment i am happy.
Incubus- Wish You Were Here

What a gorgeous day it was today! Being on vacation, I thought, I should go to the beach today . So I did. I went to a black sand beach that's just a couple hundred yards away from being under the Golden Gate Bridge. On my way through the rainbow tunnels, I realized that I'd left my towel at home. So, I went to a little shop on the main strip in Sausalito and bought a bright yello towel and a pair of cheap sunglasses. I soaked up some rays while I let my thoughts flow out into the ocean. The sound of the waves bounced off of the cliff behind me and the flocks of seagulls were calling out amongst each other. There was a lot of air traffice, too. I couldn't help but wonder if it is in response to the terror threats that I've heard on the news. I wish some peace settlement would happen...and soon.
Well, David just told me that Margaret Cho's "I'm the One That I Want" is on. I'm gonna go watch it. Can't wait to see Notorious C.H.O.More later...

2002-05-21T13:12:00.000-07:00

National Learn-From-Your-Co-Workers Week

I'm coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show Diana Ross's I'm Coming Out

My co-worker asked me if I plan to get married sometime in the future. "If I decided to, it wouldn't be any real legal binding," I replied. At first he didn't understand. "Marriage between same-sex couples isn't legal," I continued. "It may be acknowledged, but not legal."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but say for example my boyfriend, David, and I got married then one of us got sick or put in intensive care for some reason. Would either of us be considered "family members" and have "legal rights" to visit the other? As far as I know, that's still an issue where it would not be accepted.

This whole conversation then took a turn towards discussing the education system. We both know of people who have come from the Philippines (and other countries) where they obtained a B.A. or B.S. degree. Then, they come here to get a job in that field to use that degree to their benefit but are denied. The reasons we acknowledged were that there are other course requirements that each instiution has established in order for someone to fulfill the requirements of a degree or certificate "status." We recognized the fact that not only does the incosistency exist for immigrants but for citizens nationwide, too. When I took some courses at Solano Community College and tried to find an equivalent course at Contr Costa Community College, there was none. As a result, I had to take that course over again at CCC in order to earn the credits and use them towards my degree. Additionally, a RN certification obtained in California may not apply in New York (and vice-versa). Although the degree is obtained (which obviously proves one has dedicated themself to that specialized field), it may not be applicable in other states. You'd have to take some more classes or somehow become re-certified for that state.

MY SOLUTION

There should be some sort of compitency exam established for such situations. I mean, I know I would hate to dedicate my time, money, and resources to a 4+ year education, move to another area, and find that my education is not accepted. Perhaps there's more information I'm missing here. If so, please feel free to enlighten me by posting a comment.

2002-05-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

I Stop... to Appreciate My Life

I heard today that a co-worker was suffering from some symptoms of palsy. The muscles on one side of her face are weak and she's wearing a patch over one eye because it won't close or blink. Using the energy from my unusally increased level of curiosity, I decided to look up some information about it. From what I can tell, there are two main types of palsy: Cerebral and Bells.

Cerebral Palsy

This type involves varying degrees of involuntary muscle movements. From what I understand, it develops from childbirth. It's not genetic, but instead develops from complications during birth. What confuses me, though, is that the condition of this illness doesn't get worse but the effects can change. I guess I can compare this to a virus. It's like saying the virus won't continue to spread but my viral symptoms are apt to change. Does that make sense?

Bells Palsy

This is the kind of palsy my co-worker has. A facial paralysis, this one is more unpredictable because it can occur anytime during your lifetime. There are certain causes such as toxic, traumatic, and metabolic. It's not genetic. With immediate treatment, half of the sufferers recover within 30 days but in some cases, symptoms can last up to six months, sometimes longer.

What Does it All Mean?

What really shocked me is that the latter can occur at any moment in your life. My co-worker recently experienced the death of a loved one. It could be this traumatic event that caused the symptoms to develop. Can you imagine?

This certainly helps me to slow down and appreciate my health and my life. Thank you, God, for the reminder that life is to be treasured on a daily basis. And it really is. On my way into work this morning, I took note of the incredible sky. (Too bad I don't have a camera and know how to post pictures to this site. Pretty soon, though, I'm hoping to be able to do this.) Through the layers of low, grey, cirrus clouds I could see a second layer of bright, white, cumulus clouds (my favorite kind of cloud). The two layers were intertwined amongst a few glimpses of patches of the great big blue sky beyond. The layered effect made me think of my life as being layered. I'm a gay man who's happily been with his boyfriend for five years, whose son lives in Texas, who works full-time and goes to school part-time, who immensely enjoys performing in drag. I'm a great listener, a friend amongst friends; someone who is constantly striving to be the best he can be, learning to remain humble along the way while refraining from killing the people who frustrate him on my bad days. I think that pretty much wraps it up.

2002-05-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

It's A Wonderful Life

Where does the time go? The whole weekend has slipped by me without having blogged. Well, here we are now.

On Friday, I had a complete and utter feeling of serenity, peace with myself, an invigurating feeling that made me feel grateful to be alive. Thank you, God!

On Saturday, it felt good to clean up the house a bit. I filed away five months of papers that were layed on the futon in the guest room, picked up my books that I'd been using to study for my English and History finals, dusted and vacuumed.

Cat-astrophe

(It seems I'm not the only one with pet stuff going on). Our cat, Lucy, (who's actually our neighbors cat but we've adopted her) brought us a present. I was in the brain-and-brawn room, I heard *tweet, tweet* *tweet,tweet,tweet* I thought, Wow. It sounds like there's a bird in our house. No, it's just the birds outside singing. How beautful. I go into the living room a minute later and see Lucy staring intensely at me, then back at something on the floor. It was a baby bird who still couldn't fly. There is a tree next to our steps and I think some birds built a nest in there. I felt so sorry for the little bird. I got teary-eyed and my heart felt weak. Sure, it's what cat's do, but I felt sorry for the little bird. I mean, it couldn't even fly. We put it back in the yard outside in hopes that it would survive. I checked this morning but didn't see it. I hope it found it's mommy.

At the Movies

After a long, busy day, David and I went to see Cockettes at Landmark Shattuck in Berkeley. It's a great documentary that enlightened and expanded my mind in regards to the world of drag. About halfway through the show, I had to pee but I didn't want to miss any information. Every bit of information was key, important, interesting, and relevant to the documentary as a whole. David hadn't even heard about them. That surprised me. I mean, between him and Marlene, they know just about everything there is to know.

Yawn Good Morning World

I woke up at 6:45 this morning to go do laundry. I went to a new laundromat on Solano in Albany. It was a beautiful morning: quiet, peaceful, fresh, cool air. There are some benefits of the new place: it's bigger, it's a nicer area to walk around when the clothes are drying, there's a bakery just right down the street that serves fresh pastries and coffee, and the boys are cuter. The later always makes laundry worthwhile. As I strolled down to the bakery, it began to drizzle. (Just yesterday it was sunny and hot, in the 80's at least. That's California for ya, I guess). *Sniff* The sweet smell of Jasmine filled my nose. I saw a couple of postings for art shows, theatre shows. More drizzle. Filled up my coffee at the bakery. Drizzle turns into a heavier sprinkling. By the time I got home, it was full on raining (still is).

Showtime

I put on some make-up

and turn up the tape deck

and pull the wig down on my head--Hedwig's Wig in a Box

There's a Galaxy Show tonight. There hasn't been once since The Miss Gay Marin Pageant. Candie Swallows, Miss Gay Marin 2002, will be hostessing the show with Rula Planet. I'm looking forward to it. I look forward to seeing Bill. He's a great guy: easy to get along with, friendly, practically perfect in every way. Marlene will come over and we'll get ready together. It feels like forever since the last show. The theme is Drama Divas! Woo hoo! More intriguing stuff later...

2002-05-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

Neat Stuff

The chick at Soul Slivers has some pretty cool art for sale (not to mention a really great blog site). Check out her art.

School Stress

I took the written part of my history final yesterday. Like a ding head I answered that Reagan's inauguration was the prime symbol of the end of cold war instead of the tearing down of the Berlin Wall. What was I thinking!?! The rest of the test went well. Combined with my written part (take home essay), I'm hoping to get an A. I picked up my four tickets for graduation and inside the envelope was a gold tassle. Woo hoo! I am so stoked. So far, David will be coming to my graduation and I'm trying to get Marlene, my mom, and somebody else to come. I can't wait for the summer. Look out nude beaches, dance clubs, and other parties that my Higher Power has planned for me! Oh yeah, and can't forget the Galaxy shows.

Gratitude

Thank you blogger for this day, my daily word. Forgive me of my postings that might upset some people as I forgive others whose postings may upset me. May your existence provide free expression to myself and to others this day and every day. _amen.

2002-05-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

What's in an I.Q.?

I took this I.Q. test and scored 126. I took the test and got my score all at no charge but they do let you purchase a detailed report that analyzes your test results. I didn't buy it.

How do I spell relief?

B-u-b-b-l-e- B-a-t-h.

Things that make you go...hmmm.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Is Gay TV a good thing?

Cat Scan

What would you get if you crossed a scanner with a cat? Click here to see for yourself.

Welcome Back, Carter

I thought presidents just somehow disappeared of the earth after their term was over. Well, Carter has proved to me otherwise.

2002-05-12T17:55:00.000-07:00

What a weekend

"You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet"--From 311'sAll Mixed Up

Saturday
Car smog (wait in line 30 minutes to drop it off. Go Mother's Day shopping (picked up a foot massager at Target). Go pick up car. Wait 30 minutes more than expected. Go to the bank. Pay bills. Shower. Go to my friend Amy's Graduation Party (she graduated from Mills College) with a BA in Sociology ). Come home. Study for History Final (to be held on Wednesday). Phone conversations with Marlene, then Cookie. Watch MAD TV (which, I might add, has greatly improved. I stopped watching it about one year ago because it got boring. Now, with sketches such as Glamazon Huntress and Jennie Jones First Lady, the show is much improved).

Sunday
Get up at 9. Watch a little bit of Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest (staring voices of Christian Slater, Robin Williams, and Tim Curry.) Studied more for my History Final. Ate lunch. Studied more History. Started on my English Critical Thinking Final. Studied more. Napped. Waiting for mom to call so I can give her her present. My brain feels dead. Must relax. Oooh! Bubble bath! Bye!

2002-05-11T14:56:00.000-07:00

Yumm-E

Do you want it?
Do you know how to get it?
That good stuff baby
Good good stuff--From B52's Good Stuff

Italian, anyone? Romano's Macaroni Grill offers quite the memorable dining-out experience. This nationwide restaurant just made it's way to li'l ol' El Cerrito, CA USA (where I currently reside). I've driven by it the past couple of weeks and people were lined outside the door.
After a long, hard week, I came home and my honey, David, asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner. I said, "Let's try that Macaroni Grill." "OK," he replied enthusiastically. We got there around 6--no line...whew! When we sat down, I instantly noticed the white paper layed out on the table and the crayons available for our entertainment. Throughout the night, David and I drew pictures and played hangman. The waitress even drew her name, as well as mine and David's, on the white coloring paper. I ordered the delicious Ravioli Pomodoro and David ordered the mouth-watering Chicken Caesar Calzonetto. The portion sizes are not too big, nor too little. They are just right. And so are the prices!
The real test was to see what the bathrooms are like. I excused myself from the table and entered the bathroom marked "men." Upon my exit, I noticed that the inside of the door was marked "women." Wait a minute. I was all discombobulated. ( I love that word. Say it with me...dis-cum-bob-u-lat-ed.) I checked the urinals. They were still there, considering I had just used one. My inquiring mind had to know...is the women's bathroom door marked "men" inside? I wanted to go in the lady's room and check it out but thought it safer to just ask the waitress. Come to find out, sure enough...the construction guys made the doors wrong but it seems to go with the atmosphere, anyway.
The opera singers, the open kitchen, the wood-burning fireplace, the colors on the tables, and the cross-gendered bathroom doors all make for an exceptionally satisfying dining experience. I definitely recommend finding the closest Macaroni Grill to your home and trying it out! If you like Italian food, you won't regret it.

2002-05-10T19:52:00.000-07:00

Late Breaking Bird News

Drag n' Doodle Fun

2002-05-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

Riding by the butt of my seat

There are some people posting expressed gratitude...realizing that appreciating what we have helps us to enjoy life a whole lot more. Today was one of those days where I felt like Kermit The Frog...green and growing. You know when you suddenly realize that you DON'T have as much control over your life as you thought you had...that time and age bring wisdom? That no one has all the answers. Coming to realize: "Wow! I'm OK just being me!" It's been a long haul but I'm starting to realize more and more that my experiences bring opportunity and shine light on my ability to realize that I really am OK in this world. This is a comforting thought. I won't go into too many examples at the moment, but I think you get the general principle.

Piglet Power

My idol is Piglet. This poem captures the friendly quality of his being.

2002-05-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

People...I Tell Ya

People are people so why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully--From Depeche Mode's People are People

It was great to see some old co-workers! The main boss (refer to below) wasn't there but the cool boss was. Despite the noisy family and all the drinking, I had a great time. I assumed that all my family members knew I am an AA member. So, when my aunt asks me to get her a double martini from the bar, I say: "Sorry, I can't do that."
This, combined with the fact that I used to work at this restaruant 10 years ago and therefore I should take charge and get everyone drinks were absolutely absurd ideas. Being a people pleaser, it was already difficult enough for me to deny her numerous and incessant pleads to go get her drinks. I told her that someday I will tell her why I couldn't do that. The following were not options:

1- Scream at her at the top of my lungs..."Look, lady. I'm in AA. I can't go get your %&!@^ drinks. Now quit hassling me about it!"
2- Expect her to understand my stance while she's plastered.

So, when there comes a time that I'm around her and she's sober, I will talk to her about my boundaries. It's funny. Sometimes I think people aren't used to boundaries being set. I know i'm not. But I've learned what my boundaries are through innocent and gullable experiencs of trying to please other people (thus, not sticking up for myself). Sticking to them is the hard part, no matter what! If other people decide to get pissed because I set certain boundaries with them...OH WELL! I have wasted too much energy on worrying about what other people think of me and my responses to situations. It's not that I never worry about what people think of me (or when they think of me, of if they think of me) but the ability to not do so has increased over the years.

Until next time...I'll try not to strangle my aunt and remember that my boundaries are valid (and vice-versa).

2002-05-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

Felíz Cumpleaños, Mamá

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face--Alanis Morissette From the song Perfect off of her Jagged Little Pill album.

My mom's birthday is today and she's 49 years old. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM! The family is going to dinner tonight at Louis Bertola's in Martinez. I worked at this restaurant for about 6 years, starting when I was 14. Ooooh, the memories. I'll go tonight and see my old bosses and co-workers. I am a totally different person today than I was when I worked there. Not only have I matured but I've quit some of my bad habits. They may know I'm gay but it wasn't discussed much. I can already anticipate that I'll feel weird going there tonight. I mean, I quit there when my boss was yelling at me. When he told me that he thought "I had bigger balls than to just quite", I really wanted to kill him then. No, just kidding. But that was it for me. Everybody else who worked there, especially the old timers, just kind of put up with him and his short-tempered attitudes. SCREW THAT!
At any rate, it will be great to celebrate my mom's birthday. (However, she hardly recognizes MY birthday...funny how self-centeredness is a part of human nature. I mean, my mom wants me to acknowledge her birthday but she doesn't acknowledge mine. But, no, I don't have any resentments against that).

Until next time...Be good to yourself and to each other.

2002-05-06T18:47:00.000-07:00

Not bad for a Monday

The meaning of good and bad, of better and worse, is simply helping or hurting-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was headed to school today during my lunch break to pick up my American Lit final I took 1 1/2 weeks ago. I'm really surprised that I didn't obsess on it all that much during this waiting period. But then, the obsessive thinking hit:

OK, I HAVE to get an A in this class. If I just get an A in this class, then I only have to worry about getting an A in World History. Then, if I get an A in World History, I'll graduate from jr. college with a 4.00

Wow! It's starting to sound like I was saving all my obsessive energy and it all let out today. That's OK because then I found myself praying:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Repeat 2x.

I walk to the teacher's office. There's a large inter-office envelope tacked to the wall. It has my name on it. I remove the tack, stick it back into the wall. I open the envelope. Grade in the course: A-. YES! Grade on the Final...:A. DOUBLE YES!! I had to pat myself on the shoulder for that one. I mean...2 hours for a 3 page minimum in-class essay isn't that easy.

I leave school and head to Round Table to meet some co-workers for lunch. I was at a stop light waiting to turn left and there were three teenagers fighting on the lawn across the street on my right. At first, I thought they were only playing around, but when the third guy started kicking the other guy who was down on the ground. I crossed the lanes on the right, layed on my horn, and yelled, "Cut it out!" I wasn't the only person honking at them to stop their ridiculous behavior. I'm really glad they didn't pull out their guns and start shooting at me. There are some bad memories I have about fighting so the event got me a little shook up. If I had a cell phone, I would've called the police. A fire truck drove by so I hoped the driver announced it to some authorities over their CB radio.

Hey! Do you enjoy watching plays? There's a really cool production starting at the end of the month named Nunsense A-Men! It's put on by Hoochi-Doo Productions in Larkspur (at the Larkspur Cafe Theatre where the Galaxy Girls used to perform). If you're in the area, check it out. Mark your calendars! That's right! All of them. It's running for a few weeks starting the end of May. Check out the site for more information about this must-see event. I definitely plan to check it out.

Take Care. Until next time...be good to yourself and to each other.

2002-05-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

Dedication

This site is dedicated to Rula Planet and the Galaxy Girls, which is a blog site shared amongst a group of out-of-this-world Marin County performers and who is the only group of drag queens (that I know of) who have their own blog site. My curiosity of and exploration into the blogger world has inspired me to start my own blog site. The mere creativity and expression that is revealed in the World of Blog truly amazes me.

I was talking with my best girlfriend Marlene Manners and I said:

"Marlene, I think I should start my own blog site."

She undoubtedly and whole-heartedly replied with an absolute, "yep!" That was the shortest answer I've ever heard come out of her mouth.

Here are some things to keep an eye out for as I continue to develop this here blog site:
(not necessarily in this order)

1- More Links
2- Gallery
3- My day-to-day reactions in response to the stimuli I experience in my environment
4- Update on Galaxy Shows
5. Whatever else pops into my mind over the next couple of months.

Meanwhile, cruz on over to the aforementioned Galaxy Girls website. Find out more about yours truly (pix, biography, etc...)

Until Next Time...Be good to yourself and to each other!

2002-05-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

Testing

Test, test...1,2,3. We are embarking upon new territory...will Miss Daisy start her own blogsite? Stay tuned...